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The Secret Handshake

Answers To All Of Your Midget-Wrestling-Related Questions

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2012-08-31 -

I was told not to write anything negative about the Extreme Midget Wrestling Federation by the show’s promoter, Jagger Lane (a former WAR Rockey Mountain champ and non-midget). Since I both fear and respect giant men with ponytails, I'd rather not end up on the wrong end of a DDT.  So for those of you who missed the action last Friday, I think the best way to fill you in on what went down at Lumpy’s South (without pissing off Lane) is to do this in a classic Clint Eastwood Q&A format. But first, let's get extreme on this promotional video…

Okay, is it real wrestling? By that I mean, are there copious amounts of fake punches and kicks to the groin? You can bet your ass it’s real. Well, as real as wrestling can be. In the first match of the night between Madd Mexx and Lil Rampage, Lil Rampage jammed his fingers in Mad Mex’s peepers, cornered him on the ropes and then tenderized his plums with a baseball bat. As it turns out, midget wrestlers can be dickheads too, just like regular-sized wrestlers. Plus, you'll see all the classic moves like cross-face chicken wings, diamond cutters and tombstone pile-drivers. The only glaring difference is that the ring is about half the size and there are roughly 40% more carnies in the crowd.

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This sounds racist: Isn’t it wrong to call little people midgets? From what I learned that evening, the rule of thumb on the topic is this: Unless they’re wrestling, don’t call little persons midgets. As it turns out, midget wrestlers prefer to be called the “m” word because of the obvious promotional value. “Little person makes me feel fragile,” said Lil Fabio, “We’re midgets, man. This is midget wrestling.” Statements like this leave politically correct midget-wrestling fans scratching their heads. But to be clear, the official stance from the Little People’s Association is that the term is “thoroughly degrading and puts little people out there as a sideshow and entertainment." So only call midget wrestlers midgets … I guess.

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How famous are these guys? And do they have groupies? Just like any niche sport, there are a ton of hardcore midget-wrestling fans. I talked to one fan at the show who drove all the way from Cedar City primarily to see Madd Mexx aka “The Immigration Sensation.” Mexx is 46-year-old badass, who's been in the game for close to 18 years. He was a regular on the Spike TV reality show Half Pint Brawlers and he has a strong fan base in the adult-film industry. One of his more recent films was titled A Little Goes A Long Way. “When I’m not wrestling in the ring, I’m wrestling in the bed.” In terms of groupies, I’m not 100% sure. A couple of the guys claimed to get a lot of 'tang, and the following photos of the intermission booty-grinding contest suggest they might be telling the truth:

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Can I enjoy myself without feeling like a dick? This is a very subjective question. Personally, I felt like an asshole the entire time, but, it seemed like most everyone in attendance was loving this shit. However, I can’t lie -- my face looked like this all night. On a side note, I can't believe I didn’t see any little people in the audience.

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I'm intrigued. Now, I’m a man of short stature. Can I wrestle, too? Like hobbits, some people are just really really short. So, if you’re under five feet then the answer is yes, you can and should wrestle. “I didn’t even know I was a midget,” said Madd Mexx. “I was watching the movie Willow with some friends and we saw a commercial for midget-wrestling tryouts and it said you just need to be under five feet tall. So, my friends pinned me down, measured me and were, like, ‘You’re 4 ft.8 in. -- you’re a midget, motherfucker!’ So, I tried out and I’ve been doing it ever sense.” The wrestlers of the Extreme Midget Wrestling are on tour getting body slammed almost 275 days a year. It’s a brutal schedule but apparently the pay is good. “I make around $6,000 a month.” said Mexx, “I love this job, man. Where else can I get drunk every night, beat the hell out of someone and get paid for it?”

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For tour dates, and more info, head over to The Extreme Wrestling Federation's website.

Twitter: @WolfColin

Photos by Mike Fuchs 

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REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // September 2,2012 at 09:07

Haha, I love that he was watching Willow when he found out he was a midget.  

 

Posted // September 2,2012 at 20:54 - What about midget tossing? Seems you should cover them too in order to be fair.

 

 
 
 
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