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The Secret Handshake

Strictly Platonic: The Best of SLC's Craigslist, Vol.1

by Colin Wolf
Posted // 2012-04-11 -

More often than I’d like to admit, I find myself scrounging around looking for crap to write about in the depths of Salt Lake City’s Craigslist. Every once in a while, I find some literary gold mines, but typically this search results in me stumbling across some hands-down messed up shit. So I thought to myself, “Why should I be the only one enjoying these Internet gems?” Just because they never panned out as Secret Handshake stories doesn't mean they should go unused. The following posts are a collection of my idle Craigslist bookmarks for the past month or so. Enjoy.

House Cleaning in a Sexy Outfit (Holladay)

Actual description from post: Just looking for a female to come do some light cleaning in a sexy outfit. If you have a sexy outfit, great! If you don't, it's ok. Please send over price and picture.

What this means: This either means there’s someone out there who has an unbridled Don Draper complex, or he’s a serial killer who wants you to rub the lotion on your skin. That could be a bit extreme. But I'm sure he’s just some super-lazy bro who needs his house cleaned and figures, “Eh, why not have someone do it in a sexy outfit?” It's hard to argue with that logic. It’s just too bad that this guy doesn’t know about this.

Beware of Kimbo (Utah)

Actual description from post: Just like the title says, BEWARE OF KIMBO.

What this means: My biggest fear isn’t that this person is referring to Kimbo Slice, the UFC fighter (pictured above), of whom I do fear -- terribly -- but rather that I should fear an unknown mystery Kimbo. All it says is BEWARE OF KIMBO. What the f*ck? This could mean anything: maybe someone's ex-wife, a pet snake, a sandwich. I hate coming across posts like this. Now whenever I see somethings that says Kimbo, I will instinctually fear it and wonder about any danger that could be lurking. To hell with Kimbo.

Wax my Back (SLC)

Actual description from post: Would like to have someone wax my back or maybe even shave it. Some hair on my back but it's not like a rug. I just want it waxed or shaved . Preferably waxed, but either will do.

What this means: God, it’s tough to be mad at this guy. I mean, I’ve been in some tight spots before. One time when I was 3 years old, I tried to put on a Cabbage Patch Kid outfit (it was a one-piece astronaut suit) and I got my dong stuck in the zipper. My older sisters were babysitting and they freaked the hell out, so they had to ask our neighbors to come over and unlodge it. It was terrifying for everyone. What I’m trying to say here is, I feel bad for this guy. He has an issue and no one will be a good neighbor and help him out. Don't be judgin'.

Idiot at Artesian Well Park (800S 500E)

Actual description from post: To the guy wearing the red shirt and driving the silver car filling up a water container this afternoon. The water-flow rate at each of the spigots is controlled by the diameter of the spigot, not how many of the three spigots are flowing. When you put your FINGER on one spigot to block it, all you accomplished was getting your grimy germs on the spigot. Thanks a lot. Grossed me out, and it was my first trip to the park for water.

What this means: I hear the water there is great, but I would rather "Bear Grylls it" than drink from a public water fountain. More importantly, does SLC have a problem using drinking fountains? I can’t help but think of the Parks and Recreation episode where they try to solve a very similar problem.

Any gay Mormons need a cover wife? - 25 (Come to you)

Actual description from post: I'm being dead serious. Any gay men out there need a girl to pretend to be the perfect wife while you live your life doing what needs to be done?

What this means: This is just depressing. But since this makes me want to mash my eyes into their sockets, I felt that it’s worth sharing. In the '90s, Jerry Seinfeld described this situation as a "Beard," which essentially is a woman who pretends to be gay guy’s date or wife for whatever reason. That was 20 years ago! Good lord, there's still a need for this?! REALLY? Utah never seems to disappoint me. I suspect these agreements are as common in Utah as an LDS laptop crashing from too much porn. It’s too bad that this is even an issue.

Need your boobs rubbed? - m4w - 33 (Salt Lake area)

Actual description from post: Well, it so happens that I have a set of nice big hands that love touching and playing with boobs. Doesn’t matter how big, or how small, I’m interested. This is free and just mutual fun for the both of us. Just as long as you are comfortable, we can do whatever. I promise I am a gl male who is well-educated and has a good job here in Salt Lake. So if you are interested in having fun, get back to me. Feel free to text me as well at __________. Hope to hear from you soon!

What this means: This guy poses a brilliant argument, which, at its essence, is quite simple: “I got hands and you got boobs.” Damn it, this guy is a genius. I bet he uses this logic on everything -- "Hey, I got this face and you got tacos." Since everyone lies on the Internet, it would be great if he didn’t have big hands at all. I’m truly hoping this is the case.

I had a lot more of these bad boys but I forgot that Craigslist eventually removes its older posts, so here are the rest of the bookmarks that I wanted to share but, unfortunately, no longer exist:

- I’m willing to do minimal yard work for Modern Warfare 3

- I have killer cars for your rap videos

- Come over and sing my baby to sleep

- Will trade cool shit for sweet swords

Wolf is also the author of City Weekly’s daily events blog Glad you Asked.

Twitter: @WolfColin

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REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // April 12,2012 at 16:49

For a truly dadaist experience, look up Prototypexero's "Casual Fridays" on youtube.  Horrifying CL ads read over Modern Warfare 3 gameplay.  Can't direct link, but my favorite was the one involving the "rimming chair."

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // April 12,2012 at 11:59

Wait, your not supposed to put your hands on boobs?

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // April 12,2012 at 10:31

Wait, you're not supposed to put your finger in the drinking fountain? 

 

 
 
 
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