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Blah & Order 

Notorious is criminally dumb; Van Helsing puts a femme spin on the vampocalypse.

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Notorious
Thursday, Sept. 22 (ABC)

Series Debut: A really, really, really ridiculously good-looking lawyer (Daniel Sunjata) and a really, really, really ridiculously good-looking news producer (Piper Perabo) delve into "the unique, sexy and dangerous interplay of criminal law and the media" in a beyond-stoopid mashup of The Newsroom and Law & Order with vanilla title (as with their other useless new legal drama, Conviction, it's like ABC isn't even trying). Notorious is based on a real-life behind-the-scenes media/law relationship that existed on ye olde Larry King Live, upping the "Who Gives a Shit?" quotient by 10. Don't worry; Scandal will be back before anyone notices.

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Pitch
Thursday, Sept. 22 (Fox)

Series Debut: Female pitcher Ginny Baker (Kylie Bunbury) is called up to play Major League Baseball for the San Diego Padres because shut up you sexist troll it could totally happen and why do you hate stories about strong women making their way in a man's world? Pure intentions and Bunbury's impressive performance aside, Pitch isn't the statement-making pinnacle of the fall season Fox wants it to be, and definitely not the 10-season journey that co-creator Dan Fogelman envisions: It's an overanxious, overacted mess that will probably annoy feminists and baseball fans alike—common ground for disparate camps! Mission accomplished?

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MacGyver
Friday, Sept. 23 (CBS)

Series Debut: Despite a few done-to-death spy-ops clichés (bickering about old missions gone wrong, hiring quirky-hot criminal hackers, playing dress-up at the gala, etc.), CBS' reboot of 1985-92 series MacGyver delivers a surprisingly fast and fun pilot episode—one down, 12 to go. It's also inconsequential covert fluff that makes 2010's MacGruber takeoff look like The Bourne Identity but, c'mon, it's Friday night. Lucas Till might look too young to be this accomplished at, well, MacGyvering, but he's charming as hell, and co-star George Eads provides unexpected comic relief after all those years of CSI grimacing. Speaking of CSI, is it necessary to apply slick graphics and labels to every object MacGyver 2.0 manipulates? We can recognize a paperclip without a freeze-frame.

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The Exorcist
Friday, Sept. 23 (Fox)

Series Debut: Remember A&E's quickly failed Damien series? Neither does Fox. The Exorcist, of course, is based on the iconic 1973 horror film that managed to wrap up a hellacious case of demonic possession in about two hours; Fox has 13 to fill. When young, skeptical Father Ortega (Alfonso Herrera) and haggard, consumed Father Keane (Ben Daniels) convene/collide in Chicago to investigate an evil household presence (keep your mother-in-law jokes to yourself). The result is spooky, atmospheric and ... not much else. Kind of a letdown, considering that this is THE EXORCIST and all. Cue up Cinemax's satanically superior Outcast, instead.

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Van Helsing
Friday, Sept. 23 (Syfy)

Series Debut: You might have caught the first episode of Van Helsing when Syfy snuck in a surprise preview of the new action-drama after Sharknado 4 in July—or not, because, Sharknado. This vampire hunter is a woman (Vanessa Van Helsing, played by Kelly Overton), but that's not the only twist: Vamps in this universe age, they can be turned back to human by being bitten by Helsing(!), and VH's showrunner is divisive film director Neil LaBute. It all works; Van Helsing is Syfy's best-yet entry in its comeback line of sci-fi dramas led by ass-kicking females, improving on recent winners like Wynonna Earp, Killjoys, Dark Matter and The Magicians. Now let's take a moment to forget that Hugh Jackman movie ...

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Channel Zero, Aftermath
Tuesday, Sept. 27 (Syfy)

Series Debut: If the current season of American Horror Story isn't creepy enough for you, here's Channel Zero, a new anthology series based on tales of creepypasta (internet urban legends); first up is "Candle Cove," wherein a man digs up increasingly disturbing memories of a kiddie TV show from his childhood. How bad could it be? How about a flesh-eating skeleton puppet and a child made entirely of teeth? Channel Zero's implied terror and imagery is more effective than its dramatic execution, and the same goes for its Tuesday-night companion, Aftermath, which is yet another supernatural-apocalypse series—but this time, it's about family! Mom is Anne Heche, so just bring on The End, already.

Listen to Frost Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell, and on the TV Tan podcast via Stitcher, iTunes, Google Play and BillFrost.tv.

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