Bionic Bottom 

Curses, Foiled Again
Police investigating a drive-by shooting at a home in Buchanan, Wis., found auto glass in the street and deduced the shooter had forgotten to lower his car window before firing five shots. Appleton’s Post-Crescent reported that a check of area auto glass repair shops led to Andrew J. Burwitz, 20, who admitted shooting at the house, where his ex-girlfriend lived.

Bionic Bottom
After suffering massive internal injuries from a car accident, Ged Galvin, 55, needed a colostomy bag, until British surgeons rebuilt his rectum. The Daily Telegraph reported that the medical team at the Royal London Hospital removed a muscle from above Galvin’s knee, wrapped it around his sphincter and then attached electrodes to the nerves that Galvin operates using a remote control that he carries in his pocket. “It’s like a chubby little mobile phone,” he said. “You switch it on and off, just like switching on the TV.” Saying he doesn’t mind being called “the man with the bionic bottom,” the Yorkshire resident added that the only drawback is having to have his improvised sphincter muscles replaced every five years.

Win Some, Lose Some
Mary Lait, a custodian at the Cook County, Ill., sheriff’s office, was awarded $14,022 for injuries she claims she suffered on two separate occasions while “reaching around to pick up a piece of toilet paper,” according to court documents.

• After his release from prison, David M. Cohen, 43, a former police sergeant in Stoughton, Mass., asked the town to reimburse him $113,496 for expenses related to his case. The Brockton Enterprise said that Cohen claims the town owes him for 87 accrued vacation days, 125 unused sick days, 144 hours of comp time accrued for not using sick time, 152 hours of supervisor comp time, 481 hours for court appearances related to his criminal case, 280 hours of overtime to prepare for his case, at least 61 percent education incentive pay for 2007, and 61 percent for accrued stipends and benefits. Cohen’s conviction in 2007 was for attempted extortion. “We will reject the man’s request,” Town Manager Mark S. Stankiewwicz declared.

Opportunity Knocks
The Illinois Attorney Registration & Disciplinary Commission announced it’s considering sanctions against Chicago immigration attorney Samir Chowhan for telling a woman seeking employment at his firm that sex was a job requirement. The Chicago Tribune said the woman complained to the commission that after she responded to Chowan’s ad on Craigslist seeking an “energetic woman” for “general secretarial work, some paralegal work and additional duties for two lawyers,” Chowhan replied by e-mail that “in addition to the legal work, you would be required to have sexual interaction with me and my partner, sometimes together sometimes separate.” Chowhan added that previous women filling the position “have not been able to handle the sexual aspect of the job later. We have to be sure you’re comfortable with that aspect, because I don’t want you to do anything that you’re not comfortable with. So since that time, we’ve decided that as part of the interview process you’ll be required to perform for us sexually.” The e-mail concluded: “I am free to interview today.”

• Los Angeles authorities charged Jeffrey Graybill with posing as a fertility doctor after two men said they responded to his ad on Craigslist offering $4,000 a month for donations to his fertility clinic. The men complained that Graybill insisted on examining their genitals at his apartment complex before he would accept them as sperm donors. KPHO News reported the men were never paid, but when they called the clinic to ask about their money, employees told them Graybill didn’t work there. Investigators concluded that the ruse was a way for Graybill to molest young men and that there are as many as 24 victims in California and Arizona.

How the World Works
After last year’s chocolate sale failed to raise enough money, a parent advisory council at Rosewood Middle School in Goldsboro, N.C., came up with a plan to sell test scores. According to Raleigh’s News and Observer, students can buy 20 test points for $20 and add 10 extra points to any 2 tests of their choice. Although the extra points could change a “B” to an “A” or from a failing grade to a passing grade on the two tests, principal Susie Shepherd insisted that they wouldn’t amount to enough to change a student’s overall grades.

Compiled from the nation’s press by Roland Sweet. Authentication on demand.