Big Bing! Theory 

I feel like I am in that scene in the Superman movie where he flies around the world backwards to reverse time so he can go back and rescue Lois Lane whose car fell into the San Andreas fault. I started feeling this way shortly after Bush sneaked in the back door of the White House. The Supreme Court finished playing rock, paper, scissors with the vote count in 2000 in W’s brother’s state of Florida making him King, which makes me wonder if God keeps flattening Florida with hurricanes as punishment, but I digress.

The latest signs of the world going backward is this nonsense over Evolution vs. Intelligent Design, or as our own state Sen. Chris Buttars, R-Utah, likes to call it, Divine Design. This from a guy who ran a school for troubled youths; now, that’s reassuring. Just to prove that he is not the only crazy monkey out there, some 21 other states have been debating this issue.

All this because Karl Rove (Dr. Evil) hitched his wagon to the star of a guy who graduated first in his class of AA’s 12-step program. With W’s constant Bible-thumping politics, the far-right Bible thumpers have been emboldened to push for more pulpit power in politics. To show how insidious this is, all you have to do is look at the Tulsa Oklahoma Zoo. Christian creationists should have quit while they were ahead but no, they pressured the local zoo to balance its evolution science exhibit with a display depicting the Genesis version of God’s creation of the universe in six days. When taxpayers got wind of this creepy idea and howled, the zoo directors tried to soften them up by suggesting that Adam and Eve would be accompanied by displays of six or seven other creation theories (myths).

Now things were getting interesting because there are hundreds of creation versions from various cultures around the globe. Starting in their own back yard, there’s the Cherokee buzzard that gouged the valleys and mountains, or the Chinese P’an Ku and the cosmic egg. My favorite is the Norse Audhumla, the giant cow. Soon the zoo directors said, “Never mind!” and decided to stick with a scientific exhibit of evolution sans all the goofy stuff.

Sen. Buttars’ concern for the education of our youth in public school was spurred on by none other than that champion of public education, Gayle Ruzicka of the Eagle Forum. Ruzicka is such a fan of public education that she home-schooled all 12 of her litter. I guess Butters got tired of being called “Monkey Boy” and dropped the Divine Design idea for now but said he would be watching carefully what is being taught in our schools. I think his time would be better spent watching the Discovery Channel or PBS’s Nature.

Actually, I am disappointed that DD, Divine Design, isn’t going to be taught in our schools. I was looking forward to getting a job as a science teacher and wearing a lab coat with a name tag, Tom Barberi, Professor DD. Teaching such a class would be a snap: “OK, class open your … ah, never mind. Look up here at the blackboard. Here you have this Divine thingy and Bing! … now you have the universe. Any questions? Tomorrow we will discuss how the Divine Thingy may have screwed up here and there. How else can you explain Jennifer Garner and Rosie O’Donnell.” Ciao!

Tom Barberi is a freelance writer. In his upcoming run for Sen. Orrin Hatch’s seat as an Independent, his campaign slogan will be “Legalize Adulthood in America.”