Best Utah Cocktails 

Pin It

Best Utah Cocktails

Well, here it is “Best of Utah” time, which means over here at SmartBomb we’ve worked ourselves into a dither. Frankly, we could use a drink. So in keeping with the Best of Utah theme, here are recipes for several libations that will whet your whistle while you peruse the pages of City Weekly.

The Hot Rocky

- Swirl 4-oz. ambitious tequila in a public sector

- Splash liberally with 1-tbsp. Tobasco hot sauce

- Mix on demand with 1-oz. cinnamon schnapps

- Ring out administratively every drop of the juice of 1 lime

- Blend exhaustively with hard cubes from a Dan Berman mold

- Serve with diversity

The Red-Faced Ruzicka

- Strictly measure 3-oz. Southern Comfort

- With a 1-oz. drape of Amarretto for modesty

- Censor 2-oz. sloe gin

- With 1 clandestine cap of Triple Sec

- Add 1 cup lobbied cranberry juice

- Top with 1 virgin cherry

- Serve out of the sight of teenagers

Merrill’s Martini

- Mix 3 parts erratic vodka

- Making sure to discard independent label

- With 60 milligrams crushed Prozac

- In a stout, conservative vessel

- Taking care not to shake up

- Stir slowly with a Vienna sausage

The Mitt Fizz

- Begin with three parts international sparkling wine

- Disguise with 1 part homegrown orange juice

- Slice and float large corporate strawberries

- Sweeten with litigation from imitation sponsors

- Pour into expensive crystal flutes, later to be returned to taxpayers

- Serve at sunset with 1 Beantown juggernaut

The Tristan Gale Hurricane

- Mix 3 parts sleek grapefruit juice

- With the sliding ability of 1-oz. cranberry sauce

- Add the juice of 1 youthful but unknown lime

- Blend at 60 miles per hour

- Sprinkle with the smiles of coconut shavings

- Top with a gold medal

The Larry Miller Mai Tai

- Mix two parts industrial strength pineapple juice

- With the highly motivated squeezings of 1 lemon

- Add 1 expansive minded commercial kumquat

- Blend emotionally with dealership ice into a froth

- Rebuild in 1 hollowed-out dome with a paper umbrella,

extra-long dunking straws and 7 former napkins

- Forget about the title

Superdell Sangria

- Mix 2 parts holier-than-thou red wine

- With the juice of 1 self-righteous orange

- Sprinkle the zest of media-savvy lemon rinds

- Season with the tacky humor of a guava

- Serve slightly chilled in ostentatious glassware

- With a techno swizzle and a 90-day guarantee


Pin It

More by Christopher Smart

  • Flying Dinosaur Days: Christopher Smart (Editor 1996-2002)

    It’s all a fog now, but as I review the fossil record—with carbon-14 dating, of course—it appears that I started at City Weekly sometime in 1993 as a freelancer ...
    • Jun 23, 2010
  • Breaking Free

    The healing force for one prison inmate was the discovery of his art.
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • Ruben Retaliates

    In an unusual move, Salt Lake City Police Chief Ruben Ortega released protected personnel documents to news media in an apparent attempt to embarrass or retaliate against one of his police officers and president of the local police union. It was the...
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • More »

Latest in News

  • Heavy Pedal

    Road to regulate bike taxis bumpy, protracted.
    • Oct 19, 2016
  • Thanks for Nothing

    Tragic details of a young man's suicide in a Utah prison cell are brought back to life by his grandma's lawsuit.
    • Oct 12, 2016
  • Balk the Vote

    Nonprofit sets sights on re-energizing young voters.
    • Oct 5, 2016
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Armed Resistance

    A new report links Utah legislator to patriot groups
    • Aug 26, 2015
  • No Limits

    A pair of Republican gubernatorial candidates bemoan and protect Utah's loose campaign cash laws.
    • Jun 22, 2016

© 2016 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation