POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - UPN is run by morons. I came to this conclusion after spending three days last week trying to get someone, anyone, at the United Paramount “Network” to stay on the telephone for an extra five seconds before passing me off to a the next clueless...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - NBC: They’ve resorted to everything from girl-on-girl kissy action (between Winona Ryder and Jennifer Aniston—and Lisa Kudrow, as a bonus) to greatest-hits flashback episodes (unwisely highlighting funnier times). They’ve even thrown...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - May Sweeps is something only lower forms of life, like network suits and TV critics, really care about—until your favorite show is canceled in June because it couldn’t beat some idiotic reality/game show in ratings and revenue-generation,...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - All the Pretty Horses (PG-13, Columbia TriStar, 112 mins.) Billy Bob Thornton takes an award-winning novel, an acclaimed cast and a plethora of scenery, and then cranks out a pile of thoroughbred plop. You’d think if anyone could flesh out the story...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - First off, I’ve got nothing against transvestites finding gainful employment in the TV industry. It’s a big world, people. There’s room for all of us. All I’m asking is that the networks be up front with us, the viewing public.Tube...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - For a split second, it seemed like a wacky idea for a television column: What if I was to actually participate in National TV Turnoff Week during April 23-29? Seven whole days, joining the “millions of people around the world who will rediscover...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - No guesswork here: The major networks made their definitive announcements last week as to which TV shows will be coming back in the fall—and, by omission, which shows won’t. Was The Only TV Column That Matters™ at every net press conference,...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - Too early to start mapping out your fall weeknight TV viewing? Not in the bleary eyes of The Only TV Column That Matters™!Tube StopsThursday, May 31: That’s My Bush! (Comedy Central, 11 p.m.) Dubya rethinks euthanasia after a wacky misunderstanding...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - Kristin (NBC, Tuesdays): Helium-voiced Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth’s big-hearted (and, probably not coincidentally, long-delayed) stab at a sitcom attempts to cram the pint-sized diva’s plethora of talents into NBC’s standard format...

POSTED // Jun 11,2007 - At least once a week someone asks me, “How much TV do you have to watch to write that column?” You know, with tone in their voices that sounds as though they’re really asking, “How many nails do you have to hammer through your...