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News & Columns

Best Utah Cocktails

By Christopher Smart
Posted // June 11,2007 -

Best Utah Cocktails


Well, here it is “Best of Utah” time, which means over here at SmartBomb we’ve worked ourselves into a dither. Frankly, we could use a drink. So in keeping with the Best of Utah theme, here are recipes for several libations that will whet your whistle while you peruse the pages of City Weekly.


The Hot Rocky


- Swirl 4-oz. ambitious tequila in a public sector


- Splash liberally with 1-tbsp. Tobasco hot sauce


- Mix on demand with 1-oz. cinnamon schnapps


- Ring out administratively every drop of the juice of 1 lime


- Blend exhaustively with hard cubes from a Dan Berman mold


- Serve with diversity


The Red-Faced Ruzicka


- Strictly measure 3-oz. Southern Comfort


- With a 1-oz. drape of Amarretto for modesty


- Censor 2-oz. sloe gin


- With 1 clandestine cap of Triple Sec


- Add 1 cup lobbied cranberry juice


- Top with 1 virgin cherry


- Serve out of the sight of teenagers


Merrill’s Martini


- Mix 3 parts erratic vodka


- Making sure to discard independent label


- With 60 milligrams crushed Prozac


- In a stout, conservative vessel


- Taking care not to shake up


- Stir slowly with a Vienna sausage


The Mitt Fizz


- Begin with three parts international sparkling wine


- Disguise with 1 part homegrown orange juice


- Slice and float large corporate strawberries


- Sweeten with litigation from imitation sponsors


- Pour into expensive crystal flutes, later to be returned to taxpayers


- Serve at sunset with 1 Beantown juggernaut


The Tristan Gale Hurricane


- Mix 3 parts sleek grapefruit juice


- With the sliding ability of 1-oz. cranberry sauce


- Add the juice of 1 youthful but unknown lime


- Blend at 60 miles per hour


- Sprinkle with the smiles of coconut shavings


- Top with a gold medal


The Larry Miller Mai Tai


- Mix two parts industrial strength pineapple juice


- With the highly motivated squeezings of 1 lemon


- Add 1 expansive minded commercial kumquat


- Blend emotionally with dealership ice into a froth


- Rebuild in 1 hollowed-out dome with a paper umbrella,


extra-long dunking straws and 7 former napkins


- Forget about the title


Superdell Sangria


- Mix 2 parts holier-than-thou red wine


- With the juice of 1 self-righteous orange


- Sprinkle the zest of media-savvy lemon rinds


- Season with the tacky humor of a guava


- Serve slightly chilled in ostentatious glassware


- With a techno swizzle and a 90-day guarantee


Cheers!

 
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