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Home / Articles / · Archive / News & Columns /  Falling Skies
News & Columns

Falling Skies

By Christopher Smart
Posted // June 11,2007 -

News Flash from SEATTLE! This just in: The recent quake that rocked the Emerald City has apparently damaged a large number of cappuccino machines, rendering many yuppies helpless in caffeine withdrawal. FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Administration, places the loss of latte sales alone at $2 billion.

Closer to home, here on the Wasatch Fault, the big one could hit any time, says quake expert Lee Siegel. A former science writer, now employed by the University of Utah, Siegel said he is not speaking in an official capacity when he warns that we “are in the window” for a quake in the magnitude of 6.8 to 7.3.

All kidding aside, Siegel says he won’t buy a brick house. He warns that everyone secure water heaters so they don’t tip over when the big one hits. Each person should keep on hand at least three days worth of food and water.

Here at Smartbomb, we’re also suggesting Wasatch Fault Zone residents keep a three-day supply of 3.2 beer and enough tequila to get through potential crises. Also, don’t forget the nachos.

The Utah Legislature has adjourned—thank God. But Siegel warns that if the big one had hit during the annual lawmaking session, the entire Capitol Building could come down around their ears. (OK, so everything about the big one isn’t necessarily bad.)

H The ruling Taliban Party in Afghanistan has sent its soldiers throughout the land to destroy all statues, apparently because they are idolatrous images and are the gods of infidels. According to unconfirmed rumors, Utah’s real porn czar, Gayle Ruzicka, has taken an interest in the plunder. It was Ruzicka, you’ll recall, who had Rodin’s famous sculpture “The Kiss” banned from BYU. She calls it pornography.

H From our “All In The Family” file: Sen. Orrin Hatch is P.O.-ed that Rep. Henry Waxman, a Democrat from California, is casting aspersions on the Hatch name. Waxman claims that Scott Hatch, the senator’s son, has conflicts of interest where daddy is concerned.

Scott Hatch is a lobbyist for Schering-Plough, the drug company that loaned Orrin its executive jet when he ran for president. The company has urged the senator to extend its patent on Clariton, an allergy medication. Scott Hatch also lobbies for the National Nutritional Food Association. And coincidentally, the senator led the fight to keep food supplements and vitamins from being regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, according to the Deseret News.

H And finally this: Nike, which offers personalized ZOOM XC USA running shoes has declined to fill an order for Jonah H. Peretti, according to a shey.net exclusive. Peretti ordered his shoes to bear the personal ID “Sweatshop.” The reason for denial by Nike brass was that the request included “inappropriate slang.”

But when Peretti notified Nike that the word “sweatshop” could indeed be found in Webster’s Dictionary, his request was denied anyway. “If you wish to reorder your Nike ID product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com, replied the shoe company.

 
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