CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A San Francisco writer named Maneesh Sethi decided he was wasting too much time on the Internet. His productivity was suffering. So he hired a woman to sit next to him as he worked and yell at him or slap his face every time his attention wandered off in the direction of Facebook or a funny video. It worked. He got a lot more done. While I would like to see you try some inventive approaches to pumping up your own efficiency, Capricorn, I don’t necessarily endorse Sethi’s rather gimmicky technique. Start brainstorming about some interesting yet practical new ways to enhance your self-discipline, please.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Ronnyjohnson618” is a guy who posts his opinions on a wide variety of YouTube videos. Many times, he claims to be an expert in the field he’s commenting on. Responding to a live music performance, he says he’s a conductor for an orchestra. Offering his opinion about a mimosa plant, he asserts that he is a botanist. Beneath other YouTube videos, he declares he is a meteorologist, chemist, psychologist, soldier and geometry teacher. I love this guy’s blithe swagger; I’m entertained by the brazen fun he’s having. As you express yourself in the coming week, I recommend that you borrow some of his over-the-top audacity. Create a mythic persona. Imagine your life as an epic story. Play the part of a hero.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
The earliest performance artist on record was the ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope. In one of his notorious stunts, he wandered around Athens with a lit lantern during the daytime, claiming to be looking for an authentic human being. I recommend that you undertake a similar search in the coming days, Pisces. You don’t have to be as theatrical about it. In fact, it might be better to be quite discreet. But I think it’s important for you to locate and interact with people who are living their lives to the fullest—devoted to their brightest dreams, committed to their highest values and sworn to express their highest integrity.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
“If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it,” wrote 19th-century poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. “Every arrow that flies feels the attraction of the earth.” This is good counsel for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Aries. I suspect you will have a good, clear shot at a target you’ve been trying to get close to for a long time. Make sure you adjust your trajectory to account for the attraction of the earth.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
If you learn a novel idea or a crucial new lesson while you are tipsy or outright blitzed, you will probably forget it when you sober up. And it will remain forgotten as long as you abstain. But there’s a good chance you will recall the vanished information the next time you get loopy. I’m telling you this, Taurus, because even if you haven’t been inebriated lately, you have definitely been in an altered and expanded state of consciousness. I’m afraid that when you come back down to earth in a few days, you might lose some of the luminous insights you’ve been adding to your repertoire. Is there anything you can do to ensure you will retain these treasures? It would be a shame to lose track of them until the next time your mind gets thoroughly blown open.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Studying the movements of the planets is my main way of discerning the hidden currents of fate. I sometimes supplement my investigations by reading Tarot cards and the Chinese “Book of Changes,” also known as the I Ching. To arrive at your horoscope this week, I used all of the above as well as the following forms of prognostication: catoptromancy, which is divination by gazing into a mirror underwater; cyclomancy, or divination by watching a wheel that’s turning; geloscopy, divination by listening to random laughter; and margaritomancy, divination by observing bouncing pearls. Here’s what I found, Gemini: You now have the power to discern previously unfathomable patterns in a puzzling mystery you’ve been monitoring. You also have the ability to correctly surmise the covert agendas of allies and adversaries alike. Maybe best of all, you can discover certain secrets you’ve been concealing from yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
“To be reborn is a constantly recurring human need,” said drama critic Henry Hewes. I agree. We all need to periodically reinvent ourselves—to allow the old ways to die so that we can resurrect ourselves in unforeseen new forms. According to my analysis, Cancerian, your next scheduled rebirth is drawing near. For best results, don’t cling to the past; don’t imitate what has always worked before. Instead, have faith that surrendering to the future will bring you the exact transformation you need.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
My readers Paul and Sophie wrote to let me know they have patched together three Latin words to invent a term for a new concept: vomfiabone. They say it means “a curse that becomes a blessing.” Here’s an example of the phenomenon at work in their lives: While driving home from work together, they experienced car trouble and had to pull over to the shoulder of the road, where they called a tow truck. Later, they discovered that this annoying delay prevented them from getting caught in the middle of an accident just up ahead. Extrapolating from the current astrological omens, I’m guessing that you will experience at least one vomfiabone in the coming week, Leo.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I bet that in the next five months you will be obliged to carry more responsibility than you have in the past. You will find it hard to get away with being lazy or careless. I suspect that during this time you will also have the privilege of wielding more influence. The effect you have on people will be more pronounced and enduring. In short, Virgo, your workload will be greater than usual—and so will your rewards. To the degree that you serve the greater good, you will be a major player. As for next few weeks, you should concentrate on the work and service and responsibility part of this equation.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Do you know what a “binky” is? It’s what a rabbit does when it gets so crazily happy that it exuberantly leaps up into the air, stretching and twisting its body as it flicks and flops its feet. I’m not sure if lexicographers would allow us to apply this term to humans. But assuming they might, I’m going to predict that you’ll soon be having some binky-inducing experiences. You’re entering the Joy & Pleasure Season, Libra—a time when abundant levels of fun and well-being might be quite normal.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You know that area on your back that you can’t quite reach if you want to scratch it? It’s called your acnestis. I propose that we make it your featured metaphor of the week. Why? Because I suspect you will have to deal with a couple of itchy situations that are just beyond your ability to relieve. Yes, this may be frustrating in the short run. But it will ultimately make you even more resourceful than you already are. By this time next week, you will have figured out alternative solutions that you haven’t even imagined yet.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“We need new friends,” said essayist Logan Pearsall Smith. “Some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact an ideal version of their lives.” Smith could have been talking about you Sagittarians in early 2013. According to my interpretation of the astrological omens, you need some fresh alliances. Their influence will activate certain potentials that you haven’t been able to access or fully express with the help of your current circle.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.