Logan Pinto will be the chatter of everyone who believes in miracles. The 22-month-old boy thought dead after 30 minutes under canal water in Rexburg, Idaho, was later pronounced living after a nurse saw his chest rise. Soon after, Pinto was flown to Salt Lake City’s Primary Children’s Medical Center, a service of Intermountain Health Care. Congratulate Pinto for his tough, toddler’s tenacity, but prepare yourself for perhaps another installment in IHC’s growing portfolio of mawkish television ads.
In that spirit, let us move on to other events of resurrection, or sheer, simple redundancy.
& ull; A war on terror? Or a war on drugs? Can we have both? As noted in an MSNBC article by reporter Michael E. Ross, heroin in the United States is making a dramatic comeback after the “heroin chic” of the 1990s, complete with a new set of niche marketing rules. Heroin entering the country is purer and more palatable for people freaked out by syringes. Bored people nationwide may sniff powdered heroin through a straw or snort a liquefied version as they would a nasal spray. Experts estimate the supply of heroin has increased some 75 percent since 2002. The reason is simple. As nasty as Afghanistan’s Taliban were, they almost eradicated the country’s opium crop. Now, after the U.S.-led war, the world’s premier supplier of opium is free. And free to grow opium.
& ull; Weapons may be concealed, alleged threats aren’t. High school kids drenched in heavy metal music aren’t the only ones on edge. Last week, Bountiful Junior High School math teacher Sandra Wariner allegedly told fellow teachers and even the principal that she owned guns and was bringing her firearms to school for a special session of show-and-tell. Wariner should have first talked to Senate Majority Leader Michael Waddoups, R-Taylorsville. He would have reminded her, as he’s reminded the University of Utah, that only the Legislature has the power to control firearms on school campuses.
& ull; Bird follows Parker: Who knows what secret desires lurk beneath the righteous veneer of a Utah lawmaker? Cast back to February 2003 and Rep. Brent D. Parker, R-Wellsville, the family man with an apparently secret desire for male companionship. He offered to pay $20 for oral sex with an undercover male officer, according to police reports. Parker pleaded guilty last year to soliciting sex, then entered a “Johns Program” administered by Salt Lake County Criminal Justice Services. Now Rep. Calvin Bird, R-Springville, has entered the same program after the Deseret Morning News unveiled that he pleaded guilty to attempting to solicit sex from an undercover female officer on the afternoon of Sept. 30. The “Johns Program” will no doubt show Bird the error of his ways. No one in his right mind attempts to solicit sex in the afternoon from a woman on the street. You wait until it’s dark.
& ull; That lying whore Janet Jackson! Utah attorney Eric Stephenson expected family viewing during the NFL’s halftime extravaganza. Instead he got Kid Rock desecrating the U.S. flag and Jackson’s breast. In short, he felt that Viacom, which owns CBS, had lied about the nature of halftime entertainment. What does a real American do? Sue! Months after filing suit against Viacom, a Salt Lake City judge ruled that Stephenson might be entitled to his anger but not $5,000 in damages. We could insert a gratuitous “suck” reference here, but Stephenson doesn’t like bare breasts.