Series Finale: If you’re getting misty over the cancellation of Christina Applegate’s uneven-but-usually-funny series, consider this: To pick it up for another season, ABC wanted to slash Samantha Who?’s budget, shoot it like traditional sitcom and add a (!) laugh track. Death is far more becoming. In the final pair of back-to-back eps, a wedding between a closeted gay pro basketball player and a transvestite (Jennifer Esposito … OK, I think she/he’s a tranny) is the backdrop for Samantha making a choice between pre-amnesia boyfriend Todd and new millionaire flame Winston Funk—come on, the name Winston Funk alone is comedy gold! So long, Sam …
Being Human Saturday, July 25 (BBC America)
Series Debut: A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost rent a house in Bristol, England— welcome to Twilight 90210. Mitchell, George and Annie are desperate 20-somethings struggling with the usual young-adult issues: Fitting in, making a living (well, not in the ghost’s case), a potential vampire-underworld uprising, etc. Being Human plays like a comedic take on True Blood, with characters easy to identify with (on the human level, anyway—if you’re a vampire, werewolf or ghost, you’ve probably got better things to do on a Saturday night) and a killer Brit-pop soundtrack (anything with Supergrass is all right by me).
Malibu Shark Attack! Saturday, July 25 (SyFy)
Thankfully, just because the Sci-Fi Channel is now SyFy doesn’t mean it’s abandoned the hysterically cheesy Saturday original movies, usually shot for what looks like $500 and starring a cavalcade of increasingly recognizable actors who used to have careers and better agents. In the case of Malibu Shark Attack!—I added the exclamation point, just because—that actor is Peta Wilson, late of the cult TV series La Femme Nikita (which poised her for stardom) and flop flick The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (which only Sean Connery survived). Wilson stars as a Malibu lifeguard who survives a tsunami only to now face down the threat of deep-ocean goblin sharks! Yes, goblin sharks are a real thing—this isn’t “sci-fi” anymore.
Daisy of Love Sunday, July 26 (VH1)
Season Finale: Will former Bret Michaels spunk bucket Daisy De La Hoya choose 12 Pack, Flex or London? Will more not-at-all-homoerotic bro-on-bro violence go down in the finale? And how soon can we expect Daisy of Love 2: Spreadin’ the Petals Again? Here’s the deal: Daisy of Love is the VH1 “reality” show that finally made The Only TV Column That Matters™ throw down the remote and say, “Maybe I don’t have to watch every travesty against taste, humanity and genital hygiene on television.” Where Bret, Flavor Flav and Danny Bonaduce failed, she’s succeeded—well-played, Daisy. But hey, I’ll give Megan Wants a Millionaire a chance in a week … what is wrong with me?
More to Love Tuesday, July 28 (Fox)
Series Debut: Rotund single guy Luke is looking for love with one of 20 plus-size bachelorettes; instead of roses, he gives next-round hopefuls turkey legs. E-mail now …
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant Tuesday, July 28 (Discovery Health)
Season Finale: Discovery Health? Really? City Weekly art director Susan Kruithof, who watches all of those upper-tier cable “science” channels I have no patience for, has confirmed that I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is indeed a real show—an entire series, even. Over the show’s 10 episodes, the following bellyfuls of misconception (ha!) have been held up until crowning: Bad frozen pizza, spoiled hot dogs, the “Freshman 15” and, in the season finale, an encounter with a goblin shark. Told you it was a real thing!