Game Show in My Head Saturday, Jan. 3 (CBS)
nSeries Debut: A new hidden-camera reality show from Ashton Kutcher? Hosted by Joe Rogan? I am so elsewhere! Setup: “Contestants wear an earpiece as they go about life in the city and are instructed back in the studio by Rogan. If the contestants can perform crazy, outrageous and often embarrassing tasks in public, they can go home with big money.” How could it be worse? One of said first contestants is “Shalisse Pekarcik, a 26-year-old personal trainer from Salt Lake City, Utah.” Greeeaaat.
Rock of Love 3 Sunday, Jan. 4 (VH1)
nSeason Premiere: Apparently, the mansion in which VH1 visionary Bret Michaels cavorted with drunken spunk-buckets for two seasons is being hosed out and disinfected—this time, he’s taking a new set of disposable hoochies out on the tour bus with Poison! No, wait … the Bret Michaels Band? Hell, even Big John doesn’t care about the Bret Michaels Band. Anyway, a third batch of tequila-marinated glory holes are out on the road with Bret in search of “love” via recycled challenges from the first two seasons and re-recycled bodily fluid. The real reason to watch: A chance to hear Bret’s finely honed solo work of fun rockin’ tunes, a radical departure from Poison’s rockin’ fun tunes (joke courtesy Dennis Miller, circa 1992).
Homeland Security USA Tuesday, Jan. 6 (ABC)n
n n n
n n n Nipn
n n n Tuckn
n n n n Suckn
nSeries Debut: Ever wonder what Cops would be like minus the borders and pesky adherence to the Constitution? If only they’d pulled over Bret Michaels’ bus …
Scrubs Tuesday, Jan. 6 (ABC)
nSeason Premiere: Same show, new network, final season—all of that closure you thought you got from the NBC finale last year meant nothing! Nothing! Regardless, Scrubs is and always has been a clever comedy, mixing middleweight medical drama with cute laughs and bizarre sight gags for eight semi-appreciated years. Aside from those five Garden State minutes when everybody imagined Zack Braff was actually capable of something else (Ha! I know! What were we thinking?), the series has also been consistent—and not According to Jim consistent, either.
Nip/Tuck Tuesday, Jan. 6 (FX)
nSeason Premiere: Actually, Nip/Tuck is still in the middle of Hollywood-based Season 5, the first half of which concluded waaay back in February 2008 (!). Can’t remember the Big Cliffhanger? Sean had just been stabbed numerous times by his stalker and left for dead on the floor of his clinic, and Christian was probably in the midst of some existential/sexual crisis, as usual. Obviously, Sean doesn’t die—but he is confined to a wheelchair for the foreseeable future, causing him to ponder his shallow plastic surgeon’s life (yes, again). Meanwhile, Christian is diagnosed with cancer, causing him to ponder his shallow man-whore/plastic surgeon’s life (ditto). What to do but pick up some hot tail at the bar for an overnight humpfest, followed by more pondering? Nip/Tuck’s still got it!
Damages Wednesday, Jan. 7 (FX)
nSeason Premiere: And this hasn’t been on since October 2007 (!!), so why would FX send the third episode of the new Season 2 instead of the first one that I could be telling you about right here? Dunno, but that’s what I got. Maybe we’ll catch up in a couple of weeks, cool?
The Real World: Brooklyn Wednesday, Jan. 7 (MTV)
nSeason Premiere: The pioneering reality show’s 174th season features not one, but two Salt Lakers! And only one’s a Mormon! Frat boy Chet, “A strong conservative Republican … not one to shy away from voicing his opinions or standing up for what he believes,” and free spirit DJ Baya, “A very friendly and positive person, she continually feels like a fish out of water, which stems from growing up as a non-Mormon in a predominately Mormon Salt Lake City society.” Greeeaaat.
n n nMore New DVD Releases (Jan. 6)
n n n Babylon A.D.n
n The long-lost ’80s hair band Babylon A.D. finally gets their due in an epic musical biopic that … wha? It’s just The Transporter with Vin Diesel instead of the other bald tough guy? That doesn’t sound nearly as interesting. Never mind. (FoxHome.com)
n n n Battlestar Galactica: Season 4.0n
n The “4.0” means you’ll be buying “4.5” later this year to have the complete fourth season—but hey, it’s a great season (and the last). Four of the Final Five Cylons are outed, Earth becomes a reality, and everyone essentially goes crazy(er). (NBCUni.com)
n n n Frisky Dingo: Season 2n
n After failing to blow up the planet, supervillian Killface decides to run for president of the United States, as does homeless millionaire Xander Crews (aka Awesome X). Still, not quite as bizarre as the actual 2008 presidential race. (AdultSwim.com)
n n n Pineapple Expressn
n A stoner and his pot dealer (Seth Rogan, James Franco) get caught between warring gangs, cops, coeds and random henchmen; hilarity ensues. You don’t have to be high to enjoy Pineapple Express, but why take the chance? (Sony.com)
n n n n The Tudors: Season 2n
n The lush, semi-historical tale of King Henry VII continues with (slightly) less sex and more violence, political/religious upheaval and Ann Boleyn finally losing her head in every sense (oh, like that’s giving anything away). Better than a book! (Sho.com)
nThe Alphabet Killer, Bangkok Dangerous, Disaster Movie, Duckman: Seasons 3 & 4, Eden Lake, Ghost Writer, Killing Down, Kiss of the Vampire, Kung Fu Killer, Mannix: Season 2, Midnight Movie, Netherbeast Incorporated, Noise, Secret Diary of a Call Girl: Season 1
Listen to Bill Monday, Jan. 12 at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Ann’s head at BillFrost.tv.