He’ll be forced to take a “money” gig on KJZZ 14’s reality-TV show The Surreal Utah Life, living in a Sandy split-level with fellow local losers Carmen Rasmusen (American Idol), Gev Manoukian (So You Think You Can Dance?), Kelsey Nixon (The Next Food Network Star), Rhiannon (Legally Blonde: The Search for Elle Woods) and David Farnham (the douchebag who left his 2-year-old in the car so he could see The Dark Knight).
Marcus: What? You mean I shouldn’t consider the standing offer from KJZZ to host my own pop-culture show ... as long as I always wear long sleeves, of course! Although, I think you’re on to something with that house idea: You add a lesser Osmond, the chick from The Real World and Della Reese and we’ve got ourselves TV comedy gold!
He’ll start working the drive-up window at KFC/Taco Bell, taking food orders as Bobcat Goldthwait/Carlos Mencia.
Marcus: Can I do this, anyway? In fact, screw the show—messing with people at a drive-thru, now that’s living!
Big Deluxe Tattoo will hire him to stand around in the shop all day as a living flash-art wall.
Marcus: I’m there so much anyway, why not? I love those guys. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes for you: NBC actually shot an entire segment at Big Deluxe with me getting a Last Comic Standing-themed tattoo by my good friend, John “JP” Pratt. Yes, I did indeed get a Last Comic Standing tattoo, although you wouldn’t know what it is by looking at it. NBC pitched the idea, but I only found out afterwards that the segment will never see the light of day. Awesome, thanks NBC. First person to pick it out among the others gets a prize!
He’ll rejoin his old metal band, which is currently touring the finest sports bars, swap meets and backyard keggers in the Intermountain West.
Marcus: Ha! I think you’re the only one who remembers us, Rune. You know, I have to say if it weren’t for my years as a frontman in that band, I wouldn’t have been as ready to control a comedy stage. Honestly, I approach comedy the same way I approached rock. They say all comics want to be rock stars, and all rock stars think they’re funny—am I the missing link? It’s nice not to have to consult anyone on a set list anymore, and it’s also nice to not have local newspaper writers compare you to a, what was it, “rock & roll Nick Lachey?” Is that the right quote, Mr. Frost? That was my first professional review … I’ve never recovered.
He’ll begin doing late-night television ads for local comic-book stores: “Hi, I’m Marcus from TV’s Last Comic Standing—and if you like comics, come on down to Christensen’s Bat Cave, where they have everything from Aquaman to Zombie King! Like my pal Stewie from Family Guy says, ‘Victory is mine! And so are these great prices!’”
Marcus: Again, why can’t I do this either way? This sounds like exactly what I’ll be doing, no matter what. Can I get paid in comics and action figures?
The Peppermill Hotel Casino in Wendover will contract him as the opening act for Engelbert Humperdinck, REO Speedwagon and others, in addition to performing his one-man show, Marcus’ Cavalcade of 1,000 Stars, six nights a week.
Marcus: Ha, the Danny Gans of Wendover! That would be awesome! I could commute back and forth on the Fun Bus, two-for-one admission with an empty MGD bottle! I can almost smell the cigarette smoke and broken dreams!