Season Premiere: Everybody’s favorite stoopid-soap mash-up of Grey’s Anatomy, Everwood and a fistful of Thorazine returns for a second season! On Thanksgiving! Squeal! After tonight’s episode (wherein “Nick and Eddie travel to New York to try to bring Owen back to his wife and family, and Hannah comes to terms with her real feelings for Nick,” among other developments I couldn’t give a shit about), October Road will move to Mondays for the foreseeable future—and, no, it won’t be affected by the ongoing writers’ strike, because nobody actually writes this dreck far as I can tell. Now bring on the hate mail …
Moonlight, Blood Ties Fridays (CBS, Lifetime)
Speaking of stoopid, are you ready for The Only TV Column That Matters™ Friday Night Guilty Pleasure Vampire Twin-Spin®? Begins with Moonlight, a crime-fighting’ urban-vamp serial in the vein of Forever Knight and Angel that takes the genre to sub-cable depths of hilarious doomed-romance cheese: Will vampire detective Mick—open collars, floppy girl-hair and all—ever requite his love/lust for tabloid journalist Beth? Will CBS viewers ever learn that they can, in fact, change the channel between Ghost Whisperer and Numb3rs? Then on to Blood Ties, in which private dick Vicki solves crimes with an assist from Henry—open collars, floppy girl-hair and all—while suppressing her love/lust for the 450-year-old vamp. Taken in back-to-back with a box of wine, these two series nearly cancel out each other’s inanity. If only October Road had such a partner …
Battlestar Galactica: Razor Saturday, Nov. 24 (Sci-Fi)
Battlestar Galactica fans enjoy good science fiction, so why has the Sci-Fi Channel been punishing them by previewing Razor with exclusive two-minute “minisodes” during Friday-night suckfest Flash Gordon? (Fortunately, the minis also are online at SciFi.com.) Technically, the first two episodes of next year’s farewell BSG season, Razor is being presented as a two-hour flashback movie revealing the untold story of Battlestar Pegasus’ initial months under Cylon attack separated from Galactica, and occasionally going even deeper, 40 years back to the original annihilation of the 12 Colonies. If all of this means nothing to you, the timeline-juggling Razor ain’t the place to jump in—even BSG nuts may not be able to grasp it all upon first view, but they’re sure as hell going to geek out over it, because it’s frakking intense. And anyone who had money on Admiral Helena Cain being a lesbian, prepare to collect—but you’ll never guess who her girlfriend was …
Notes From the Underbelly Monday, Nov. 26 (ABC)
Season Premiere: Some of us were hoping so fervently that October Road (the hits keep a-comin’) was canceled last spring that we imagined ABC’s sucks-significantly-less Notes From the Underbelly was awarded a dirtnap as well. Apparently not: The pregnant-couple/wacky-friends comedy is back and underwhelming as ever—then again, I have unreasonably high hopes for anything involving Rachael Harris. When she’s onscreen, Notes is as funny as network TV gets; when she’s off, it’s as pleasantly dull as lead Jennifer Westfeldt and the rest of the cast whom I can’t even name. But, hey, why challenge the already challenged viewers of new neighbors Samantha Who? and October Road (last one, promise)?
Dancing With the Stars Tuesday, Nov. 27 (ABC)
Season Finale: Theory goes that if Dallas Mavericks owner/desperate attention ’ho Mark Cuban had lasted longer on Dancing With the Stars, maybe he wouldn’t have financed Brian DePalma’s “treasonous” new antiwar movie Redacted in order to remain a playa in Hollywood. As Bill O’Reilly says, “There’s little doubt the film will be used by Muslim jihadists to recruit terrorists,” and who could argue with that logic? Lesson: Dancing With the Stars is in league with international terrorism.
Singer (Heather Graham) moves to Hollywood, meets sexy heroin addict (Jeremy Sisto); broken dreams and thinky exposition ensue. FLP.com
Dr. Katz: The Complete Series
The hysterical ’95-’99 badly animated series about Dr. Katz and his comic patients in one convenient, squiggly package. ComedyCentral.com
Genitorturers: Live in Sin
No reason to actually listen to the Genitorturers—but see ’em live? Oh, yeah. Ten concert clips and some dirty, dirty extras. Genitorturers.com
Live Free or Die Hard
Bruce Willis and the Apple guy take on terrorist hackers with bad intentions and bad accents. Insert “Yippy-ki-ay” quip here. FoxHome.com
Christian Bale and Steve Zahn yuk it up in a buddy-comedy road trip through Vietnam … oh, they’re POWs? That’s not very funny. MGM.com
Jenny McCarthy is Santa Claus’ daughter, and she’s taking over the family business! How wacky is that? No, there’s no nudity. Sorry. Lionsgate.com
More New DVD Releases (Nov. 20)
Bill Maher: The Decider, CSI: Season 7, Charles in Charge: Season 2, Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels: Season 2, Hairspray, Ice Road Truckers: Season 1, The Santa Claus 3
They’re not essential to the Battlestar Galactica: Razor movie storyline, but Sci-Fi’s two-minute “minisode” extra scenes are still pretty damned cool—especially a freefalling mid-air tussle between a young Will Adama and an old-school “toaster” Cylon (Part 4). Geek out now. SciFi.com/Battlestar
Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Microsode blogging at BillFrost.tv.