Survival Sickness

Tube Stops* Thursday, Feb. 14: The Vagina Monologues (HBO, 10:30 p.m.) Valentine’s Day Premiere: Eve Ensler’s prequel to the upcoming Vagina Travelogues (wherein uppity women tour the back roads of America and tell unsuspecting farmers waaay more than they wanna know).

* Friday, Feb. 15: Global Forum With Colin Powell (MTV, 7:30 p.m.) The Secretary of State takes questions from the youth of the world in an interactive international conference from Washington, D.C. ... huh? Does it seem like MTV will run anything to avoid playing videos?

* Saturday, Feb. 16: Movie: Purple Rain (1984, BET, 9 p.m.) Yeah, Prince gets his freaky-freak on with hot women and has a few decent musical moments, but why does no one ever give props to the genius of Morris Day & The Time? Jungle love, oh-wee oh-wee oh, baby!

*Sunday, Feb. 17: Movie: Fatal Vows: The Alexandra O’Hara Story (1994, Lifetime, 5 p.m.) A divorcée (Cynthia Gibb) falls for a charming hunk (John Stamos) who turns out to be a psycho, abusive dick. Well, go figure.

* Monday, Feb. 18: WWF Raw (TNN, 7 p.m.) Man, you miss one Raw and all of a sudden here’s Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall in the WWF! If the so-called “sports” media weren’t so obsessed with Olympic crap, they could report real news like this! Watch Raw tonight at Burt’s Tiki Lounge and let Shannon bust a chair over your head! C’mon, it’ll be fun!

*Tuesday, Feb. 19: 24 (Fox, 8 p.m.) The 11 a.m. to Noon Hour: Jack closes in on Teri and Kim, and everyone can finally break for lunch. Unfortunately, it’s at Olive Garden—gawd no!

* Wednesday, Feb. 20: Nigella Bites (E!, 7 p.m..) Pretty food writer (how did that happen?) Nigella Lawson hosts the only cooking show presented in widescreen ... don’t get me started.