Utah 2013: The Year-End Quiz 

JANUARY

Adding to an already cold, wet and miserable January, northern Utah was hit with several “upside-down” snowstorms, which means:

A. More snow in the valleys than in the mountains, making for a lower-than-normal snowpack.

B. It’s the perfect time for your city to contract with a new, untested snow-removal service.

C. Get out there and drive like a lunatic, because we all know Target won’t be open tomorrow.

D. It’ll be a week or so before you can go back to whining about the inversion.

The Advocate magazine released its annual list of “Gayest Cities in America,” and Salt Lake City slipped from its previous No. 1 spot down to sixth place. The reason for the drop was:

A. Mostly political; Salt Lake City’s shortage of (out) elected officials and Utah’s overall heck-no stance on gay marriage being the major factors.

B. Escalated local fiscal-year sales of Axe body spray and “Truck Nutz.”

C. The editors learned that the “Sugar Hole” at 1300 East and 2100 South was just an empty lot, not a popular gay bar.

D. In regard to that “heck-no” stance on gay marriage, we’ll see you back at No. 1 in 2014, Advocate.

Former teen pop idol (or is he still a thing?) Justin Bieber played a sold-out concert at EnergySolutions Arena for thousands of squealing girls, hundreds of begrudging parents and a few unlucky media reviewers. The consensus on the show was:

A. Bieber delivered a high-energy, flashy concert that pleased his fans.

B. God is dead. And deaf.

C. The local daily newspaper got to use the word “Beliebers” in an article, thus securing reporters’ jobs for another month.

D. EnergySolutions Arena doesn’t make every concert sound worse.

The Sutherland Institute called for the state of Utah to cut ties with the Sundance Film Festival and its millions in revenue because of movies that promote “sexual promiscuity,” “obscenity” and “pornography” to The Children, at least according to plot synopses of films they haven’t actually seen. Sundance founder Robert Redford’s response was:

A. “Sometimes the narrowest mind barks the loudest.”

B. “Who the hell is buying their kids Sundance passes?”

C. “What’s the Sutherland Institute? Some kind of special-ed school? God bless ’em.”

D. “Go see All Is Lost when it comes out later this year—you’ll love it.”

FEBRUARY

The Salt Lake City Police Department launched a new real-time website that displays calls to which officers have responded, and locations, going back 48 hours. The purpose of the site is:

A. To promote transparency between the SLCPD and the public, as well as show how many calls the police have to deal with every day.

B. To replace the antiquated police scanner with an exciting new waste of time for shut-in civilians.

C. To drop in the occasional fake “NUKE BOMB THREAT” or “STANDOFF W/ MASKED BAT-LIKE VIGILANTE” post just for kicks.

D. To constantly remind you that moving to South Salt Lake was a terrible idea.

A survey by social-networking site Foursquare determined that Salt Lake City is among the “least-romantic” cities in the country, based on check-ins at locations like flower shops, French restaurants and lingerie boutiques. The takeaway:

A. Social-network check-ins are a fun, if not wholly accurate, way to gauge behavior.

B. This “Foursquare” existed as recently as Valentine’s Day 2013.

C. A local Grindr romance survey, however, tells a very different story.

D. Your girlfriend was right. Again.

Utah Rep. Brian Greene, R-Pleasant Grove, introduced House Bill 114, which would allow Utah’s existing gun laws to take precedence over any new federal legislation on guns, regardless of what the U.S. Constitution says. Greene’s reasoning for the bill was:

A. Utahns should retain their right to keep and bear arms.

B. Or: We need guns to protect ourselves from the nutjobs who have guns, duh.

C. “Barack Hussein Obama isn’t even a U.S. citizen, so … there. I believe I’ve made my point.”

D. “Hey, look—I’m on the news on the TV box!”

MARCH

After 12 years in existence (and on the eve of downtown competitor City Creek Center’s one-year anniversary), The Gateway announced a $2 million renovation project with a focus on becoming more of a “community gathering spot” than a bland, beige, open-air shopping mall. Real-estate specialists believed The Gateway could bounce back after losing tenants and customers to City Creek because:

A. Its concentration of restaurants, the Megaplex 12 movie theater, Discovery Gateway Children’s Museum, Clark Planetarium and the Urban Arts Gallery, as well as being open on Sundays, sets The Gateway apart as more of an “entertainment district.”

B. Open-air malls in SLC’s alternately freezing cold/sweltering hot climate are still a fantastic idea.

C. It’s much easier to buy drugs at The Gateway.

D. Tried bathing your kids in City Creek’s fountain? Pain in the ass.

Sparking criticism after a winter of terrible air quality, the Utah Division of Oil, Gas & Mining sponsored an Earth Day poster contest for elementary-school kids with the theme “Where would we be without oil, gas and mining?” UDOGM (you dog ’em?)’s reasoning was:

A. Coal, oil and natural gas provide the majority of the energy used for heat, light and electricity; the theme was about the benefits, not the environmental impact.

B. “This is what you come after us for? Ha!”

C. Wait until you see their “Wacky for Fracking!” contest.

D. You can hold your own “Sunshine Is Awesome” contest at a solar-powered school … no, wait, you can’t, can you, hippie?

APRIL

Salt Lake City launched the GreenBike bicycle-sharing program at 10 locations in the downtown area, allowing would-be cyclists to pay between $5 and $15 (or an annual $75) for use of the rides for a day or week. The GreenBike is a great way to:

A. Try out downtown bicycling without the bike-ownership commitment.

B. Find out more about yourself and your weird “commitment” issues.

C. Learn that “bicycle-sharing” sounds nicer than “bicycle-renting from local government.”

D. Land that sweet Jimmy John’s delivery job that was previously out of your grasp.