Thursday, Aug. 22 (Syfy)
Movie: “Maybe all we gotta do is stay dry and it’ll leave us alone,” says Victim No. 46 of Syfy’s Ghost Shark, injecting logic where it damned well doesn’t belong—but at least this is more plausible than Sharknado: “A great white shark is tortured and killed by a fisherman, then returns from the dead, exacting vengeance on all humans.” Well, all humans and Night Court’s Richard Moll, who plays a crazy lighthouse keeper (is there ever any other kind?) who teams up with some meddling kids (including 7th Heaven’s Mackenzie Rosman) to stop the spectral chomping wrath of said Ghost Shark. The only legitimately scary aspect of this flick is that I’m referencing Night Court and 7th Heaven in 2013.
America’s Next Top Model
Fridays (The CW)
New Season: Cycle 20(!) started a few weeks ago, but somehow The Only TV Column That Matters™ totally missed it—and there are guys competing this season! America’s Next Top Model needed something new to shake things up; introducing sausage into the fest is a waaay better idea than previous gimmicks like using just short girls, or that one painfully dull season when all of the contestants were mentally and emotionally stable (zzz). True TV’s picks—plural, because it’s unlikely that smizeinator Tyra Banks will let just one gender take it—to win this year are Nina and Phil, who look more like contestants on Portlandia’s Next Top Model.
Escape From Polygamy
Saturday, Aug. 24 (Lifetime)
Movie: A struggling single mom (Mary McCormack) and daughter (Haley Lu Richardson) move into a polygamist compound because, hey, what ever goes wrong in a polygamist compound? Then the daughter falls in love with the son (Jack Falahee) of the compound’s resident prophet, “Ervil” (William Mapother), who decides to give his kid the “lost boys” treatment (for those of you who aren’t Mormon-studies scholars, this means banishment, not vampires in mullets) so he can add the teen girl to his own stable of wives and move the whole operation to Mexico because, hey, what ever goes wrong in Mexico?
2013 MTV Video Music Awards
Sunday, Aug. 25 (MTV)
Special: The nominees for “Best Rock Video” at the 30th-annual MTV Video Music Awards? Fall Out Boy, 30 Seconds to Mars, Vampire Weekend, Imagine Dragons and Mumford & Sons. Barring an aneurysm or stroke, a full annotated transcript of Old Man Frost’s “None of This Shit is Rock!” rant should be available shortly.
Teen Mom 3
Monday, Aug. 26 (MTV)
Season Premiere: Now this is what MTV does best: exploiting stupid, destitute pregnant teens to feed the already-astronomical profits of a multinational media conglomerate—exploiting stupid, destitute musicians is so 2003. Now that the original Teen Moms have, thanks to MTV, moved onto better, richer lives in prison and porn, four new girls have been called up from the 16 & Pregnant farm league to continue the franchise. Dr. Drew, you’re on deck.
Joe Rogan Questions Everything
Wednesday, Aug. 28 (Syfy)
Season Finale: Joe Rogan has the smartest show on Syfy? Didn’t see that coming. In the initial episodes of Joe Rogan Questions Everything—an extension of his Experience podcast—Rogan explored the dangers of worldwide disease pandemics (could happen), chemtrails (conspiracy-nut crapola) and the melding of man and technology (on its way … or are we living in it now?); in tonight’s season finale, he takes on “Psychic Spies.” Maybe next season he’ll get to Teen Moms and Ghost Sharks.