Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell
Thursday, April 18 (Adult Swim)
Series Debut: If “real” TV reviewers wrote about Adult Swim shows, there would be reviews that start “If you think your job is hell, wait till you see this series!” The Only TV Column That Matters™ weeps for this profession. Anyway: In Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell—props for the Iggy & the Stooges reference—Henry Zebrowski (Girls, Michael & Michael Have Issues) stars as Gary, a polo-shirt-and-khaki-ed damned soul working desperately to impress his literally satanic boss (Matt Servitto, The Sopranos) and move up hell’s corporate ladder. Show creators Dave Willis (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) and Casper Kelly (Squidbillies) have put a disturbing amount of thought into the hysterically horrific details of workaday Hades; Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell is probably best viewed online at your desk during office hours.
Sunday, April 21 (CMT)
Series Debut: Since Guntucky debuts right after the new Dog & Beth: On the Hunt (aka Dog the Bounty Hunter: The Next Degeneration), it would appear that Country Music Television has fully jumped on the Redneck Reality bandwagon they should have been driving in the first place … so … good for them? Like every other one of these shows, Guntucky follows the daily “unscripted” antics of a Southern family running a business—here, it’s the Sumners operating the Knob Creek Gun Range, where they shoot the hell out of everything and drop wisdom like “Here in Kentucky, the Second Amendment comes first.” Nice knowin’ ya, ’Merica.
Ice Cold Gold
Sunday, April 21 (Animal Planet)
Series Debut: Since all cable channels are now scrambling for viewers with cheap-o reality shows, you can forgive some for straying a bit off-brand: The “History” Channel with The Bible, “Music” Television with clown-car teen moms, The “Learning” Channel with “everything,” etc. But how does Animal Planet get away with utterly animal-free series? First, there was Finding Bigfoot (still no Sasquatch, just hillbillies); now, there’s Ice Cold Gold, about a group of (human) miners digging for gold and jewels in frozen Greenland. No. Damned. Animals. Whatsoever. What’s next? No “news” on Fox News?
What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
Sunday, April 21 (E!)
Series Debut: Or no “entertainment” on E!? Granted, everything on this network that doesn’t involve Joel McHale, Chelsea Handler or Joan Rivers is about as click-worthy as watching Ryan Seacrest get his anus bleached (great, now that I’ve put it out there, expect Ryan Seacrest: The Hole Truth this summer), but what happens when you give a pro athlete who’s dumber than a bag of Kardashians his own weekly show? What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, E!’s most pointless series revolving around a self-absorbed moron since … whew, just thinking about typing that list made me dizzy.
Knife Fight, The Getaway
Tuesday, April 22 (Esquire)
Series Debuts: If you’re looking for the G4 channel today, sorry—it’s now the Esquire Network, “the only television network aimed at the full, multifaceted lives of today’s modern men.” So, you gamers—especially you female gamers, apparently—can suck it. Some of Esquire’s first programming moves are solid, picking up reruns of canceled cult favorite Party Down, as well as catalog acquisitions from parent monolith NBC Universal like Burn Notice and Parks & Recreation. Lone launch originals Knife Fight (Top Chef meets Hollywood cockfight, or something) and The Getaway (an Anthony Bourdain-produced knockoff of his old The Layover), however, are only slightly more exciting than reading an Axe-scented magazine at the airport. But, hey—Party Down! [At press time, the launch of the Esquire Network has been delayed until Summer 2013]