Breaking: All of your stories are taking Christmas off; most will return January 2013. Here’s how they’re saying buh-bye this week:
THURSDAY, DEC. 13
Last Resort (ABC) Winter Finale: Sam and James leave the island on a “rescue” mission, but they’re really probably looking for new jobs (Last Resort is still canceled).
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) Winter Finale: something weepy and near-medicine-related, no doubt.
Scandal (ABC) Winter Finale: Something weepy and near-politics-related, no doubt.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) Winter Finale: Rejected by Leonard for a D&D game, Penny finally gives in to Amy’s persistent lesbian overtures. (Correction: This is a synopsis for Cinemax’s late-night Bang-Bang Theory.)
Two & a Half Men (CBS) Winter Finale: Another “filthy” episode without Half Man Angus T. Jones, what a coincidence.
Person of Interest (CBS) Winter Finale: Finch and Reese are left on their own when the Bad Guy Computer crashes during an iTunes 11 upgrade.
Elementary (CBS) Winter Finale: Sherlock solves a bank robbery in exactly 55 minutes (extra time due to scarf indecision).
Up All Night (NBC) Winter Finale: The last episode before NBC adds a laugh track, which has worked out so well for Whitney and Guys With Kids.
Glee (Fox) Winter Finale: The gang celebrates Christmas, Hanukkah and the Mayan Apocalypse! So many songs to ruin!
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Winter Finale: There are evil plans afoot for Klaus & the Hybrids, which I’m assuming is a new local techno band.
Beauty & the Beast (The CW) Winter Finale: Catherine suspects Vincent might become more animal than human, though he’ll still be prettier than her.
SATURDAY, DEC. 15
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Winter Finale: Botox enthusiasts Martin Short and Paul McCartney ring out the final SNL of 1986, er, 2012.
SUNDAY, DEC. 16
Survivor: Philippines (CBS) Season Finale: It’s down to the Final Three hairiest survivors. Then, a winner, a reunion and the announcement of Survivor: Tampa.
The Cleveland Show (Fox) Winter Finale: This is still on? Huh.
The Simpsons (Fox) Winter Finale: In a holiday shocker, Grandpa is forced to move in with the Simpsons. Obamacare!
Bob’s Burgers (Fox) Winter Finale: Bob inherits a storage unit for Christmas, only to find a bum (Zach Galifianakis) living in it. Today’s special: The Ho-Ho Hobo Burger.
Family Guy (Fox) Winter Finale: Peter tells his version of the Nativity story. Gather the kiddies ’round!
American Dad (Fox) Winter Finale: Grandpa Jack tells his version of the Krampus story. Gather the kiddies ’round!
Dexter (Showtime) Season Finale: Will LaGuerta finally learn that Dex is a serial killer, making her pretty much the last person in Florida to figure it out? Say hi to Doakes, Maria.
Homeland (Showtime) Season Finale: Oh, I give up …
MONDAY, DEC. 17
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) Winter Finale: It’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reunion when Seth Green drops by! But not really.
2 Broke Girls (CBS) Winter Finale: Max and Caroline finally discover the perfect market for their cupcakes: stoners. This took a season and a half?
Mike & Molly (CBS) Winter Finale: Remember my disbelief that The Cleveland Show is still on?
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) Winter Finale: George Takei guests for the second time in Hawaii Five-0’s 44-year history … so that’s something.
Gossip Girl (The CW) Series Finale: After six seasons, the identity of the Gossip Girl is revealed: a bored mommy blogger in Staten Island.
TUESDAY, DEC. 18
Happy Endings (ABC) Winter Finale: The gang finally learns that Jane’s birthday is on Christmas Day! So many ways for this to get inappropriate.
Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23 (ABC) Winter Finale: Chloe drags June and James along to crash a party in the Hamptons. So many ways for this to get felonious.
Private Practice (ABC) Winter Finale: Something weepy and near-alternative-medicine-related, no doubt.
The Voice (NBC) Season Finale: Still can’t name any previous winners, can you?
NCIS (CBS) Winter Finale: Lighthearted nautical crime and Christmas hijinx your mom will enjoy, East Coast-style!
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) Winter Finale: Lighthearted nautical crime and Christmas hijinx your mom will enjoy, West Coast- style!
Vegas (CBS) Winter Finale: Ralph suspects the mob had something to do with a local contractor’s murder. Nothing gets by this ol’ ranch hand.