The ’12 Disasters of Christmas
Saturday, Dec. 8 (Syfy)
Holiday Movie: Connecting the 2012 Mayan apocalypse to “The 12 Days of Christmas,” The ’12 Disasters of Christmas (get it?) is at least a solid concept for a cheesetastic holiday thriller—although Frosty the FrankenYeti vs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed ReinShark would have been sweet. When bizarre mayhem connected to both the doomsday prediction and the song begin terrorizing a small town (it’s always a small town), only a young girl who happens to be The Chosen One (there’s always a Chosen One) can stop it before the Yuletide mayhem goes global. Really, the most shocking thing here is that The End of the World is sponsored by Aquafina and Dodge.
Saturday, Dec. 8 (Lifetime)
Holiday Movie: A big-city advertising exec (Claire Coffee, Grimm) has a strange attraction to a mannequin in a holiday window display; when she’s knocked unconscious by a falling icicle, her psychosis kicks into high gear and the handsome dummy comes to her as a real dude (Ryan McPartlin, Chuck). It’s a not-at-all-creepy Christmas miracle! Trouble is, he still has the personality of a hunk of plastic—which seems inconsequential; am I right, ladies? Sidebar: If mannequins were still made of wood, The Only TV Column That Matters™ had a slew of filthy, filthy wisecracks at the ready. Christmas is ruined.
Come Dance With Me
Saturday, Dec. 8 (Hallmark)
Holiday Movie: There’s no “Christmas” or “Holiday” in the title, so right away, Come Dance With Me is suspect. Andrew McCarthy (the Brat Packer who, for future reference, is now 50) stars as a financial broker who must choose between his socialite girlfriend and a dance instructor he just met (for present reference, both actresses are well over 10 years younger than him). All of this is happening at Christmas, so the right thing to do would be to secretly maintain both relationships and avoid hurting either during this most wonderful time of year. Christmas is saved.
All About Christmas Eve
Sunday, Dec. 9 (Lifetime)
Holiday Movie: This title gets it right, though a well-placed comma turning All About Christmas Eve into All About Christmas, Eve would have nailed it. Haylie Duff is Eve (see?), a typically harried and overbooked New York City party planner who— you must see this coming—has to choose between a client’s pricey holiday party in Los Angeles and a romantic Christmas Eve (oh, wait) at home with her career-unsupportive asshat of a boyfriend in this steaming pile of figgy pudding.
Help for the Holidays
Sunday, Dec. 9 (Hallmark)
Holiday Movie: Would you believe … Summer Glau (Firefly/Serenity, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) as a North Pole elf? In Help for the Holidays, she’s Christine, a Santa minion dispatched to Los Angeles to grant a little boy’s Christmas wish (watch it, pervs). Seems the kid’s parents are too busy running their holiday megastore to hang out at home this time of year, and Christine’s going cure them of their capitalist ways. Thanks again, Obama.
Sunday, Dec. 9 (ABC Family)
Holiday Movie: All you need to know about The Mistle-Tones: It stars Tia Mowry and Tori Spelling as rival leaders of holiday vocal groups headed for a showdown on Christmas Eve, and it was filmed in Salt Lake City and Ogden earlier this year—so that wasn’t a horse you saw on 25th Street back in March.