Last Man Standing
Friday, Nov. 2 (ABC)
Season Premiere: ABC is flush with smart, modern sitcoms, and yet somebody keeps green-lighting stale crap like Last Man Standing, which debuted last season to many a dumbfounded “Uh, why?” The remains of Tim Allen star as a sporting-goods-chain marketing goon who’s a “manly man” in public, but is “hilariously” emasculated at home by household full of women—and yet somehow here we are, talking about Season 2. Tonight, Mike (Allen) spends an entire episode trying to convince his newly-voting-aged daughter to vote for Mitt Romney. How much more proof do you need that The Liberal Media is in the bag for Obama?
Friday, Nov. 2 (ABC)
Series Debut: ABC insists that Malibu Country isn’t a just a corn-pone clone of Reba McEntire’s previous sitcom, Reba. They’re right: Reba contained trace amounts of comedy. Not only does this “new” show waste the narrow talent of McEntire (once again playing a character named “Reba,” who also happens to be a country singer), but also comedy legend Lily Tomlin, who absolutely killed in a guest arc on Showtime’s Web Therapy earlier this year, only to be rewarded with a bit role on what would be considered the weakest sitcom on The WB’s 1998 fall schedule.
Jesse James: Outlaw Garage
Monday, Nov. 5 (Discovery)
Series Debut: Leaving behind his tabloid life as the former Mr. Sandra Bullock, the almost-current Mr. Kat Von D and casual Nazi-chic enthusiast Jesse James moves to Austin, Texas, to launch his own custom-car shop and, just maybe, reclaim his title as The Least Charismatic Man in Reality TV. Sure, the rides are impressive, and Austin never disappoints as a reality-show backdrop (Slacker, Rollergirls, Quints by Surprise—the list is endless), but Outlaw Garage is just another painfully obvious attempt at fabricating a workplace full of “wacky” characters in “conflict,” and James? He can barely carry his chin-beard, much less a series. The Only TV Column That Matters™ would much rather see him as “Dead Nomad No. 4” on Sons of Anarchy.
Election Night 2012
Tuesday, Nov. 6 (Most Channels)
Speaking of SAMCRO: True TV will still be presenting Sons of Anarchy on the big screen at Brewvies Cinema Pub (677 S. 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 p.m., even though the rest of the evening there will be wall-to-wall election coverage from CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, Animal Planet, HGTV or whatever. Me, I’m predicting a GOPocalypse, a complete Republican sweep of Utah and—get your controlled substance of choice ready, hippies—Mitt Romney winning the presidency. Best case scenario, this will be a glorious return to the Reagan era, which produced great bands like Black Flag, Dead Kennedys and hundreds more, not to mention excellent screen entertainment like Red Dawn, They Live!, Knight Rider and Air Wolf. Worst case, it’ll be a repeat of the Dubya years: Black-Eyed Peas, Linkin Park, Meet the Fockers, Napoleon Dynamite, American Idol, The Osbournes, etc. Clear eyes, full Tivos, can’t lose, ’Merica.
Wednesday, Nov. 7 (Bravo)
Series Debut: A reality-doc series about how they come up with Internet cat memes at Seattle’s ICanHazCheezburger.com? That’s a show? If this is all the network can produce outside of the Real Housewives oeuvre, it might be time to sell Top Chef to the Food Network and just put Bravo out of its misery. There have likely been meetings at NBC Universal with PowerPoint presentations titled “The Pros & Cons of a 24-Hour GIF Channel” and “Burning Down Bravo for the Insurance Money—Who’s In?”, just sayin.’