citylog
The E-
Edition:
CW
page
by page

Tumblr.jpg Google_Plus.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Home / Articles / Opinion / The Ocho /  Fireworks Threat!
The Ocho

Fireworks Threat!

8 warning levels for fireworks

By Bill Frost
Posted // June 27,2012 -

Eight warning levels to be aware of when shopping for fireworks:

8. Green: Will probably burn thousands of acres and homes, but the state made it legal, anyway—have fun, ‘Mericans!

7. Blue: Safe to shoot at with rifle, handgun or rocket launcher of your choice, preferably in a dry, open field.

6. Purple: Ignite every night from July 3 to July 25, no matter how much your unpatriotic neighbors bitch about it.

5. Orange: Purchase only from reputable retail outlets, such as temporary parking-lot shacks and Craigslist.

4. Red: Explodes in time with Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup.”

3. Burnt Sienna: Light only in cargo area of an ugly-ass Toyota minivan.

2. Brown: Proper safety clothing required: Cutoff jeans, flip-flops and “Adios Obama!” trucker cap.

1. Black: Hey, the Rapture’s coming soon anyway, right?

Twitter: @Bill_Frost

 
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Post a comment
 
 
Close
Close
Close