Eight home-improvement projects for Labor Day Weekend:
8. Finish rooftop gun turret to fend off looming zombie uprising.
7. Or the arrival of Ty Pennington, whichever comes first.
6. Begin building hookah/tap beer speakeasy in basement.
5. Hang 10-foot banner of college you never attended on front of house, ‘cause it’s football time.
4. Take sledgehammer to kitchen after eight-hour DIY Network motivational marathon.
3. Call Home Depot after 30 minutes of failed kitchen demolition.
2. Clear space on refrigerator for highly anticipated Mallard Fillmore 9/11 tribute comic.
1. Check tire pressure (obligatory trailer-park joke).