It’s a given that people love throwing parties in the summertime. But if I get dragged to one more ’80s party, I’m gonna go Mr. T on some unsuspecting fool. I say this because there are sooo many other options besides wearing ’90s gear, dancing to ’90s music and saying it’s an ’80s party. It’s wrong and it’s lazy! So, in an attempt to be part of the solution, I’ve consulted some experts and come up with this short list of party possibilities—all of which sound a lot better when you’re drunk.
Slip & Slide Party
This party theme is by far the easiest and, therefore, statistically the most successful. Step 1: Buy a cheap 400-foot roll of painter’s plastic from the hardware store. Step 2: Lay it out in your yard and soak it to hell with a hose and a couple gallons of biodegradable dish soap. Step 3: Shotgun an Icehouse and bellow out a thundering Viking call. Step 4: Run and slide while your guests nod in approval. Repeat until you’re out of Icehouse and you can’t differentiate between the slide and your lawn.
Occupy Your Yard
Are you sick and tired of those Wall Street fat cats but hate sleeping in parks? Then stick it to the 1 percent by occupying your own yard. Essentially, this is just camping in your backyard with your friends. However, if you make a couple signs for your front yard, you can say you took in OWS and you won’t piss anyone off—except your neighbors. If you really want to push the occupy theme, dress up like a cop, fill a spray bottle with tequila and spend the evening blasting your guests in the face.
The mission is simple: Infiltrate the party without being detected. Encourage your guests to enter your house without using the front door. Creative entrances are rewarded with shots. Those who are caught while sneaking into the house are punished with shots. As the night comes to a close, guests should simply vanish into the night without saying goodbye.
Everyone loves potlucks, but not everyone can cook. Usually, these sorry bastards—myself included—have to resort to bringing chips and soda and culinary supplies. Avoid party discrimination by hosting a delivery potluck. Give your friends a budget of $20 or less and tell them to order take-out or delivery from their favorite restaurant. Have the grub come to your address and try to have everyone’s food delivered roughly at the same time. Best-case scenario: You end up with a taste of Salt Lake City. Worst-case scenario: a pizza party. You can’t lose, and no one gets stuck bringing cups.
To celebrate the summer blockbuster Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, consider throwing your friends an Arkham Asylum Party. Like any Christopher Nolan film, the idea is simple yet confusing. Tell your friends to dress as their favorite supervillains. When they arrive, they’ll find out that they’re all dressed as villains except for you; you’re dressed as Batman. You spend the rest of the night doing Batman shit to your friends and shouting instructions in a hoarse voice until you lose your voice. If you’re at a loss, just ask yourself, “What would Batman do?”
Tell your friends to bring a bunch of cardboard over to your house and spend the next hour or so having everyone diligently making little buildings. After you have enough for a miniature city, crank up the Beastie Boys’ “Intergalactic” and film everyone crushing the city. It sounds stupid, but it’ll change your life, like having kids or climbing Mount Everest.
If you think those ideas were awful, peep these party themes that haven’t been fleshed out yet: Hammered Montamerd, Thor’s Hammered, MC Hammered, Steve Jobs Turtleneck Party, Hide the BBQ Meat Party, Kriss Kross Party, Is That Edible? Party