Note: The following should be read in a voice at least an octave lower than your normal reading voice.
Let me break it down for you like this, brother. Whatcha gonna do when the mania that is WWE RAW Live! pro-wrestling shows up in West Valley City to let it’s 24-inch pythons run wild on you? Hey, I’m just saying what you already know. It’s time for stylin’ and profilin’. Time for one helluva man to make your back crack, your liver quiver and your knees freeze.
The deep questions must be answered. Questions such as, “Do I have to open a can of whoopass on you?” Then again, “Just when you know the answers, I change the questions.”
Pro wrestlers are coming to town, including John Cena (pictured) and Batista vs. Randy Orton and The Big Show in a tag-team main event. Guys who “wake up an hour earlier each day so I can hate you just a little bit longer,” men who “make coffee nervous.” They’ll “hit you so hard you’ll starve to death rolling,” and “make you look like we set fire to your face and put it out with an ax.” They “snack on danger and dine on death.”
Why resist it? Just go ahead and live by the credo of a wrestler later turned governor of Minnesota: “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” Because, “Whether you like it or not, you better learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going!” Woooooo!
WWE Presents Raw Live! @ The E Center, 3200 S. Decker Lake Drive, 801-988-8800, Saturday, May 23, 7:30 p.m.