Warning: Savage Love is an adult sex advice column. The contents of this article may be offensive to some people. And Utahns.
I love my wife. We’ve been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love. She’s been there for me, helps me achieve my goals, all that. But she’s let herself go, while I’ve gotten myself into better shape.
I pride myself on being a good husband. I’ve been 100 percent faithful, I clean, I tell her I love her. I don’t want to hurt her. I love her. I just don’t lust for her anymore. My wife’s skin is a mess, she has dietary issues that cause gnarly gas, she eats bad food that causes her to gain weight. I always thought I was against the society-imposed, magazine-model, porn-star look girls are supposed to have. So it’s hard for me to admit that I’m not cool enough to think my wife is hot the way she is.
I’ve started stoning to dull the fact that I’m hating on myself for not being hot for my wife. She’s picking up on all of this, which is affecting her mood, self-esteem, and energy levels. And since she tends to eat more when things aren’t going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight-and-lust fronts.
When almost any girl you see is hotter to you than your wife… what the fuck do you do? When the desire to be with someone who actually turns you on is overwhelming… what the fuck do you do? When people you find attractive, women and men, hit on you all the time… what the fuck do you do? —Hawt & Royally Depressed
Before you give up or drive yourself crazy over this situation, HARD, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. It’s simple: Tell your wife that you no longer find her attractive. It’s called being honest.
It is quite possible that she has no idea that her out-of-shapeness is a turnoff, especially if she has never been told! Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I’m not as physically attracted as I’d like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?" Then perhaps pick up a set of weights at a garage sale, set up a full-length mirror in a spare room, and work out together as a couple. Or take her for long walks. Or, if she’s a foodie, encourage her to garden; a lot of calories get burned when you fork over your own vegetable patch!
But start with complete honesty. It’s not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?" My goodness! Whatever happened to being honest? Sit your partner down and tell her you love her in every way but you are not attracted to her due to her appearance. "You are out of shape and it’s killing our relationship" is a good place to start! Stress how much you care, bring up the health thing, and tell her you want her to live a long, happy life, but impress upon her that this is a problem that might lead you to leave.
Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I’m going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.
Good luck!
