Posted // January 9,2008 -
Warning: Savage Love is an adult sex advice column. The contents of this article may be offensive to some people. And Utahns.
Please disregard my previous e-mail. As of the New Year, my girlfriend is no longer a virgin. —No Longer Dating Virgin Girl
Uh, gee. Sorry about that, NLDVG. I’m not sorry that your girlfriend is no longer a virgin, of course, as virginity is a scourge that I’ve dedicated my life to stamping out. I’m sorry that I was unable to assist you. I could fob you off, I suppose, with that dodge favored by professional advice columnists everywhere: “The volume of the mail I receive prevents me from answering every letter I receive blah blah blah.” While it’s true that I receive more letters than I could ever possibly respond to (if your question doesn’t appear in the column within three weeks, people, you’re on your own), that wasn’t the case with your letter.
Fact is, NLDVG, I didn’t answer your question because I was stumped. I didn’t know what the hell to tell you about the particular issues you raised in your original letter.
When you write an advice column, gentle readers, it looks like you have all the answers because you only run questions for which you have answers. This is as it should and must be; we advice professionals need people to think we have all the answers so that they’ll keep sending us their questions. But this scam has a cruel and unintended consequence: When we don’t respond to a question, the reader who sent it thinks, “He/she doesn’t care,” or “He/she is too busy,” or “He/she thought my question wasn’t interesting.” When the reality may be that he/she has no fucking clue. And here, to mark the New Year, are a few other letters that I haven’t answered for want of a clue:
I’m a guy into she-male porn, and I’ve noticed that almost all the models in said porn have very tight scrotums. Like they’re cold. So I’m wondering, what’s the deal? Is it just the hormones? Or do they employ some kind of preshoot scrotal-tightening technique? A bit of both, perhaps? —Never Understood Tranny Scrotums
There’s this new pastor at the church I visit. She’s gorgeous, an athlete, and can read ancient Greek. I’ve managed to get her to lunch twice, despite her schedule, and I spelled out my interest explicitly. She seemed receptive, posited that dating someone in her new congregation could possibly cause issues, but may go hiking with me this weekend. So what’s the protocol for dating a smokin’-hot priestess? —Not Very Good Xian
I am a gay man who has been in a relationship with my partner for nine years. My lover has always planned on undergoing a sex change, from male to female. There were money and health problems, but he’s ready now. I’ve always told him that I love him, no matter what. Now he’s gotten his breast implants and I have to admit I am completely weirded out by them. I feel like a hypocrite, but I don’t know what to do! I’ve never been with a woman, and I don’t want to be with one now. I also love my partner intensely. Any advice? I feel like a jerk! Support him for nine years and then peace out because of boobs? —Hating Myself And His Breasts
I’m 23, straight, and female. I have a fairly ravenous sexual appetite, and particularly enjoy administering oral sex to my lucky lovers. Unfortunately, I’ve happened upon (what seems to be) a unique dilemma. An hour or so after swallowing particular loads, I get intense stomachaches, quickly transitioning into intense diarrhea. This only occurs with maybe one in five men, and seems to be particular to the individual (i.e., if a man’s loads give me the shits, they always give me the shits; if a man’s loads don’t give me the shits, they never give me the shits). This has never really been too much of a problem for me in the past—I just didn’t call guys back when it occurred—but I have started dating a one-in-fiver who is witty, great in the sack, and gorgeous, and I want to keep seeing him. So I have a few questions for you: 1. Does this happen to anyone else? 2. Is it me or is there something wrong with some guys’ semen? 3. Is there any remedy, besides spitting? —Blowing Judiciously