Posted // February 13,2008 -
To protect the citizens of Jackson from the imminent threat of three-dimensional devices (we wouldn’t want the smoking gun to take the form of a mushroom-headed dildo), Crone went undercover for a very special “3 on Your Side” investigative report. Crone slipped into Adult Video & Books—in disguise, lest she be recognized—and purchased a purple vibrator. Then Crone went back in with a camera crew and confronted the store’s owner. And since no teeveenewz report about crime is complete without a statement from the authorities, Crone asked the Jackson Police Department for a comment. “The adult store is not a priority for our vice and narcotics officers,” the Jackson Police Department said in a statement. “Citizens would rather see us using our resources to get drugs and prostitutes off our streets and work to decrease violent crime.” (No word from the JPD on why it used to be a priority.)
Police negligence! The books are full of deeply silly, sex-phobic laws that are rarely enforced, of course, because cops have better things to do than bust people for the “crime” of selling vibrators to teeveenewz reporters. But when an enterprising teeveenewz reporter goes to all the trouble of conducting an undercover operation to get a dangerous purple vibrator off the streets, why, the least the police can do is arrest the culprits! And provide that enterprising teeveenewz reporter with some B-roll footage of the cops hauling the store’s owner away in handcuffs!
Now cynical readers might assume that Ms. Crone, like so many other teeveenewz reporters, was using sex to attract viewers and then exonerating herself and her viewers for their salaciousness by persecuting the owner of the sex-toy shop. And some cynical readers might argue that Ms. Crone is only pretending to be scandalized because she’s a sophisticated, professional, modern woman, and like many sophisticated, professional, modern women, Ms. Crone is likely to have owned and operated a sex toy or two. And if Ms. Crone hasn’t, then certainly other folks at WLBT—management, anchors, other reporters, editors, cameramen, sound techs—have used three-dimensional devices. They’re all grown-ups, right?
Some will want to believe all that about Ms. Crone and WLBT because that would prove that Ms. Crone and everyone else at WLBT are hypocrites for going on the teevee and playing to the prejudices of small-minded, sex-negative assholes while at the same time making folks who do use sex toys—or sell them, or work in places that do—feel ashamed of themselves.
But I don’t like to think ill of people. I’m certain Ms. Crone and the whole gang at WLBT in Jackson, Mississippi, sincerely believe that sex toys are a threat to the health, safety, and morals of the general public. As that’s the case, I’m certain Ms. Crone would only be too delighted to receive your boyfriend’s old sex toys in the mail, WTBOB, and used sex toys belonging to other Savage Love readers. Ms. Crone would, no doubt, take great satisfaction in personally disposing of all the dangerous three-dimensional devices she could get her hands on. So ship those old sex toys to: Kandiss Crone, c/o WLBT 3 News, 715 South Jefferson Street, Jackson, Mississippi, 39201. Don’t have a sex toy to dispose of? E-mail Kandiss at firstname.lastname@example.org and let her know what a great job she’s doing for the community.
Where’s the web extra you promised in your Jan. 10 column? I’m dying to find out more about tranny scrotums, female pastors, selective semen allergies, clit Tabasco, lesbian tongue size, and gay boobs! —WTF
Oh, it’s coming. And so is that web extra I promised of definitions of virginity. And so are those Huckabee definitions.
The problem is… there are so many of you, dear readers, and so few of me. And the response is utterly overwhelming when I invite you to weigh in on something. But I promise to slog through the 5,000+ e-mails I got about tranny sacks, lady priests, and gay boobs by next week.
Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at TheStranger.com/Savage. Contact: Mail@savagelove.net