Special Year End Edition
Dear Mexican: Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don’t your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don’t have to do any heavy lifting. If you’re really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions a week. Andale, for crying out loud!
—The Blue Prince Of Dallas
Dear Gabacho: I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station. In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don’t know if you’ve heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure editors don’t deport me for good. It’s been a tough year for all, but 2010 brings hope. Let’s begin the new year with good: the winner of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant, in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don’t like the winner, you should’ve entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air!Dear Mexican: Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (it’s more efficient) and every time someone requests a stop, you hear “Stop Requested,” then this parrar bulls—t! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border. I am tired of catering to you motherf—kers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I’m tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than-true American citizen cause I don’t “meet the qualifications.” Qualifications? I have a degree! My English is damn-near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!
—Sick of All of You
Dear Gabacho: Between your point that you don’t ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action and your f—ked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers), I’ll peg you as a working-class gabacho who’d rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.
Local Restaurant Winner: Cafe Rio
Oh, hell yeah. A Mexican-Mormon started this great local chain in Salt Lake City called Cafe Rio that is sure to please. It is not really Mexican food, of course, but it sure as hell tastes good. It is given in typical bounteous Mormon quantities, of course.
Ask the Mexican at email@example.com, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!