First there was the “Zion Curtain,” now there is the “Saintly Shield,” both from the moral mind of John Valentine, the Republican state senator from Oremland.
“I am sick and tired of Utah being the laughing stock of America,” said the moral crusader. “My new Senate bill on porn prevention will not only stop the giggles, but will also end, for time and all eternity, the titters, guffaws and horse laughs at our expense out there across the fruited plain.”
Senator Valentine is still smarting from being laughed at for his proposed Zion Curtain, a barrier he wanted restaurants to erect to prevent innocent children and suggestible Mormons from seeing the seductive shimmer of booze bottles behind the bar. Now the dignified legislator wants to redeem himself by removing Utah from the ridicule it received when news got out that it was the porn capital, online viewing-wise, of America.
Senator Valentine’s ticket for redemption is Senate Bill 961, which mandates that every male in the state of Utah be equipped with the Saintly Shield, an apparatus that prevents men from staring at their penises (for the sake of propriety and good taste, the technical term “melchizadick” will be used is subsequent references) during the act of urination.
“We all know that there is an absolute correlation between seeing and doing,” said Senator Valentine. “Up here at on the Hill, we call it the principle of ‘Mormon see, Mormon do.’ You see booze, and you want to do something with it. Similarly, you see your melchizadick, you want to do something with it. Pretty soon, instead of propagating the species, you’re looking at porn.” Senator Valentine had brought along one of his fellow legislators, Senator Chris Buttars, to demonstrate how the Saintly Shield operates.
“Come on out here, Brother Buttars, and show the folks how this gizmo works,” said Senator Valentine. Senator Buttars came forward, produced a jaunty wave to the crowd, and unzipped his trousers.
There was a collective scream as something exploded from his open fly, but that soon gave way to an appreciative gasp as an umbrella-like device sprang open and expanded in the approximate region of Senator Buttars nether parts.
“As Brother Buttars does his business, he won’t see a thing, nor will anyone standing next to him at an adjacent urinal. Only you folks on the front row will get a peek.” After Senator Buttars’ demonstration, Senator Valentine went on to explain how the hard-working legislators had worked long into the night to hammer out a compromise. One faction had wanted to pass a law requiring men to sit down while emptying their bladders, pointing out that this was the standard operating procedure for the fair sex, at least in Utah, and that there was consequently no known case of a Utah female evincing the slightest interest in porn. Senator Valentine said that it was not the squatting position, per se, that accounted for the female lack of interest, but rather the fact that females had fewer occasions to have manual interactions with their urogenital thingamajigs.
Senator Valentine is the first to admit that the Saintly Shield will not keep the Utah male population from accessing their melchizadicks for the purposes of participating in online porn activities.
“This is just the beginning. We’re going about this baby-step fashion. With the male of the species, we know for a fact that “out-of-sight, out-of-mind” will not solve the problem by any means. We are therefore at this very minute going through the process of addressing the other sensory modes, principally the sense of touch.
“Our scientists are experimenting with a variety of materials to dull the sensory connection between the hand/ melchizadick interface.
Such things as pliability, durability and moisture absorption are being looked at and, right now, high duck canvas is the leading contender. If you have a minute, I’ll show you the latest prototype.”
After a bit of rummaging about in a bottom drawer, Senator Valentine produced what appeared at first glance to be a protective cover for a golf putter.
“This is what my colleagues prevailed upon me to call the Valentine Pouch which, you can see, is anatomically configured in such a way that you might obey the call of nature without having to resort to a skin-on-skin interface between hand and melchizadick. You won’t feel a damned thing.”
In other news, Utah legislators passed a bill making it a lot easier to get a prescription for testosterone, which will give them the strength to stay away from online porn.