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Home / Articles / Opinion / Deep End /  End of the Day
Deep End

End of the Day

Questions & answers in election aftermath

By D.P. Sorensen
Posted // November 14,2012 -

Q.: Is this the end of the so-called Mormon Moment?
A.: Historians will point to the nomination of Mr. Romney as the apex of the Mormon Moment, with his defeat and subsequent return to a quiet family life of wrestling with his sons and grooming his wife’s horse as the descent to the nadir of Mormon semi-obscurity. Mr. Romney was the best that The Kingdom of God could offer, a savior who comes along just once in a dispensation. We will not see his like again.

Q.: Will the Birther Movement grow louder or will it slink away in silence?
A.: The B. Movement will grunt and strain to deposit its smelly conspiracies on the collective lawn of America. Game-show host and impresario of malarkey Donald Trump will continue to extrude viscous assertions of Barack Obama’s alien origins.

Q.: Will the Fox News folks continue to make things up, even though facts continue to appear as egg (or worse) on their faces?
A.: The more facts prove them wrong, the more they make up. Faithful viewers will continue to tune in to get their daily fix of fantasy, like faithful churchgoers getting their weekly fix of belief.

Q.: Will Jon Huntsman Jr. join the Obama administration in the capacity of secretary of state?
A.: The former ambassador to China will not succeed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Instead, the genial and well-groomed former governor will host a talk show with his daughter Abby on MSNBC.

Q.: Will same-sex marriage spread like herpes simplex across the land?
A.: Despite fears of the righteous, homosexuality is not contagious. But same-sex marriage will move from state to state and same-sex participants will be welcomed into the institution of marriage and all that it entails, including a 50 percent divorce rate.

Q.: Will the honorable Orrin Hatch survive his promised final term in the United States senate?
A.: The senior senator will not only live through the next six years, he will go on to a new career as a Jewish stand-up comedian on the comedy-club circuit. “My doctor told me I’d live until I was 103. I said to my doctor, ‘But I am 103!’ The doctor said, ‘See, what did I tell you!’ ”

Q.: Close associates say Mit(t) Romney was “shell-shocked” by his defeat at the hands of Barack Obama. Why was the Republican nominee so certain he would be elected, despite all the evidence (polls, heavenly signs, bird entrails) to the contrary?
A.: The overly confident nominee had been assured from a young age that the White House was his destiny. A Google search yielded a Patriarchal Blessing promising missionary-to-be Elder Romney that he would preside over a white festival (The Winter Olympics?), ride a White Horse to save the Constitution, and achieve eternal glory in a large white edifice, which those versed in scriptural interpretation think is in actuality either the Taj Mahal or the Salt Palace.

Q.: What does the future hold for Mia Love?
A.: Mia will not fade into the woodwork. She has already been offered a job as the weather girl on KSL’s noon news. But friends say she is mighty tempted by feelers from Love Line, the spicy late-night advice show starring Dr. Drew Pinsky. Mia would do a nightly segment called, cleverly enough, “Love Lines.”

Q.:Which Republicans will campaign for president in 2016?
A.: According to conventional wisdom, the usual suspects will battle it out, beginning next Tuesday, for the election four years hence: Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio. Pundits of a nostalgic turn are hoping that Herman Cain throws his fancy hat into the ring, and Donald Trump is already claiming that he has locked up enough electoral votes to put him over the top in 2016.

Q.: Who will the Republican nominee actually be?
A.: Karl Rove insists George W. Bush will take a break from his hobby of turning popsicle sticks into placemats and make another run at the White House—this, despite the fact that he is constitutionally barred from doing so. But Karl inhabits another world, one in which he is still celebrating the landslide presidential victory of Mit(t) Romney.

Q.: When Diane Sawyer slurred her words and referred to “Barack Orama-bama” during ABC’s election night coverage, was she hammered?
A.: No. She was merely “tired and emotional,” which was the term of art in the old days for high blood alcohol. 

D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.

 
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Post a comment
REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // November 16,2012 at 06:33

Did you know that Mormon men can have countless wives in Celestial Mormon Heaven?

Did you know that you that all Mormons must pay 10% of their gross annual income into the treasury of the Mormon church before they are allowed entrance into these luxurious Temples?

Did you know that all Mormons must swear with strict Temple Oaths to never reveal the secret sign and tokens of the Temple, or they will suffer the punishment of God?

Did you know that the Mormon church baptise many millions of deceased non-Mormons in their Temples, without having the decency to even ask permission from their relatives and loved ones?

Did you know that Mormon children as young as 12 years are taken into the Temples and are used for group baptisms of these deceased non-Mormons? Many of the children are clearly uneasy about this, especially young females, but are forced into this by their strict Mormon parents.

Here is a Mormon Baptism for the Dead Ritual that is performed daily in all Mormon Temples. This undercover video was filmed in secret in the Salt Lake Temple in Utah, earlier this year.

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=mkZWts_BUwQ&feature=plcp

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // November 15,2012 at 17:51

Mitt Romney, deceiver -in-chief, was ready to inflict these crazy Mormon practices into the White House:

America, breathe a collective sigh of relief, that this religious fanatic wasn't able to lie all his way to Washington.

 

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=5VrsFEiTpsQ&feature=plcp

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // November 15,2012 at 17:37

Mitt Romney, being true to his Mormon faith, habitually lied to the decent unsuspecting American public.

He also, and unashamedly, went to see Billy Graham just a few weeks before the election to get his endorsement for the Mormon Church.  
Do you think he told Billy Graham about the secret Mormon Temple Ceremonies that involves secret temple oaths, laws of sacrifice and consecration including Mormon theocratic government, strict obedience and sworn secrecy of all the Temple rituals? And all this while dressed in white robes, white hats, green aprons and chanting with raised hands at temple altars.  
Romney, the compulsive liar and deceiver told him nothing about this.  
Do you think Billy Graham would have endorsed Romney and his fanatical Mormon church if he was aware of these clandestine Temple rituals? 
 
Look for yourself. For the very first time in about 170 years, the Mormon Temple Ceremonies have been filmed by secret undercover video, in the Salt Lake Temple Temple in Utah, this year. They are now freely available on the internet for all the world to see.
 
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=6udew9axmdM&feature=plcp 

 

 
 
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