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Workin' It

Carl Wimmer's job skills in hot demand

By D.P. Sorensen
Posted // June 13,2012 -

Job offers from all over the world are pouring in for Carl Wimmer, according to his agent, Richard Burwash.

“That humiliating little incident as regards the post of political director for the Nevada GOP is actually a blessing in disguise,” Burwash said, who also numbers among his illustrious clients the energetic mayor of West Valley City and current aspirant to the office of Salt Lake County Mayor, dairy magnate Mike Winder.

(Wimmer’s departure for the job in Nevada was splashed across the front pages of local papers, as was the highly comical aftermath in which it transpired that no such job offer had been tendered. It turned out that no one in Nevada had the slightest idea who Wimmer was, despite his credentials as a champion bodybuilder and the nation’s leading disciple of loony right-wing guru Ayn Rand. A profusely sweating Wimmer, fresh from his most excellent one-day adventure in Las Vegas, faced the cameras with his tail between his legs and talked vaguely of meeting with a consulting firm whose name he couldn’t recall.)

“I told Carl he could do a lot better than take his talents to that gig in Vegas,” Burwash said. “Listen, in just the last 24 hours, the phone has been ringing off the hook, figuratively speaking, with people who are just salivating to get Carl on board.”

Mr. Burwash, who always plays his cards close to his vest, declined to reveal the kind of offers that have been pouring in for his larger-than-life client. Meanwhile, the Deep End has been able to obtain information from highly placed sources regarding the banquet of opportunities now available to Wimmer. We provide here a partial list, and we think readers will share our pride in the fact that this son of Utah is the object of such fervent pursuit.

Movie deal. Burwash, one of the hottest operators in Los Angeles, has been barraged by scripts for his client. Movie insiders say Burwash is close to inking a deal for a remake of Dumb & Dumber. Right now, a search is going forward to find just the right co-star; Burwash wants to bring in his other big client, Mike Winder, but at the moment negotiations are at an impasse because both Wimmer and Winder insist on playing the role of Dumber.

Body double. As soon as they heard that the Vegas gig had not panned out, Chris Christie’s people in New Jersey contacted Burwash and said they were willing to pay an arm and a leg to employ Wimmer as Gov. Christie’s body double.

Mit Romney booster. It has recently come to light that Mit has a thing for men in uniform, especially policeman, having dressed up like a Michigan state trooper in his youth to impress his classmates. Mit likes to show close associates a prized photo of Wimmer in his days as a young police officer, remarking that he, Wimmer, “was a fine figure of a man.” When Mit heard that the Nevada GOP had failed to pick up Wimmer for the post of political director, he called Wimmer personally and said he would like Wimmer to pick him up, specifically, to accompany Mit on the campaign trail in full policeman mode and bench press him while he, Mit, sings “America the Beautiful.”

Artist’s model. Burwash says he is continually fielding requests from live figure-drawing classes to have Wimmer pose, either au naturel or in a modest loincloth. Wimmer’s hero Charlton Heston was a well-known figure model, and according to Burwash, Carl was just waiting for the right modeling gig to come along. When the Ayn Rand estate heard that Wimmer listened to The Fountainhead to cheer himself up as he drove Interstate 15 back from Vegas, they immediately made an offer for Wimmer to pose as Atlas for the cover of the new paperback edition of Atlas Shrugged, with or without loincloth.

Body double. The trip to Vegas was not a total loss: Wayne Newton saw Wimmer in the audience during a performance and immediately offered him a job as his body double, including stints singing onstage when Wayne is indisposed on account of indigestion.

MC for Miss USA Pageant. Burwash says the job is Wimmer’s if he wants it. With the pageant being accused of being fixed, Donald Trump is looking for an MC of unimpeachable integrity and imposing presence. “Besides,” says The Donald, “Me and Carl get our hairpieces from the same guy in Hollywood.” 

D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.

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