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You There, God?

Elder Archuleta departs on mission

By D.P. Sorensen
Posted // April 4,2012 -

KSL 5 has been in decline for some time, but we can now pinpoint the precise moment it totally gave up any pretense of being a legitimate news organization. That moment came during the evening “newscast” at 10:14 p.m., Wednesday, March 19, with a story on the departure of second-tier singing sensation David Archuleta for his LDS mission.

Bruce and Dini tossed to a so-called “News” Specialist standing in front of the magnificently lit Temple, who reported that Archuleta had entered the Missionary Training Center prior to going off to Chile to preach the Gospel. While the “News” Specialist spoke of how the singer’s departure, with its “two-year hiatus,” has “stirred emotion” around the world, we were treated to one of the star’s music videos.

There he is at a piano in the middle of a lake while joyful teenagers sprint toward a swimming hole, all the while shucking off their clothes. They seem to be led by Archuleta himself, wearing a red shirt, which, thank God, he keeps securely fastened to his torso. The highlight, which obviously escaped the KSL censors, comes at the 1:09 mark when we get a shot of a female young person, her half-bare butt cakes nicely flexed, wearing an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, purple polka-dot bikini.

The “news” story goes downhill quickly after the stirring shot of the bikini girl’s nearly naked hiatus. There is a reference to Mormon stars who failed to go on missions—Steve Young, Donny Osmond and Jimmer Fredette—but who nevertheless “served in their chosen professions,” whatever that means. There are interviews with enthusiastic fans, including a fan who supposedly “bears a resemblance” (???) to Archuleta. All “anxiously” await his return.

The “News” Specialist then reports he has found something “rilly, rilly good.” It is a website with a clock counting down the 732 days, 32 hours, 19 minutes and 22 seconds until the faux-hawked one returns. We are told that Archuleta’s manager will be tweeting updates from Chile. (Converts? Tummy aches? Innocent wrestling with missionary companions?)

Back to Bruce and Dini, who report on the Top Five Reasons Utahns Love David Archuleta: 5. He’s cute. 4. His voice. 3. He’s a role model. (Probably because he keeps his shirt on while his friends tear theirs off.) 2. He’s a good person. 1. He’s true to his beliefs.

All this is very nice. But for a full four minutes and 37 seconds on the evening news? That’s eternity in the news business.

Actually, some fairly big news was included in the Archuleta piece, but it got buried in the gooey farewell. Elder Archuleta, to give him his well-deserved honorific, announced he was going on a mission “to be able to have more of that one-on-one time with my Heavenly Father, with God.” Who cares about bringing the true Gospel to the benighted masses in Santiago? First on Elder Archuleta’s To Do List is hunkering down with Heavenly Father for some quality one-on-one time.

It’s no secret that Heavenly Father, or God, as some people know him, has been complaining to anyone who will listen that he just is not getting enough one-on-one time with American Idol runner-up David Archuleta. But we wanted to hear from the Big Guy Himself, so we arranged our own one-on-one sit-down.

Deep End: Thanks for giving us some one-on-one time with You, God.

God: Please, please. Call me Heavenly Father.

D.E.: Heavenly Father it is. Are You relieved that Elder Archuleta has finally cleared his schedule for some quality one-on-one time with You?

H.F.: Well, I saw the newscast, and let me just say up front, I think Dini looks great in green. Anyway, I was of course pleased, but also puzzled, to tell you the truth. Elder Archuleta, and anyone else, for that matter, can get one-on-one time with me any time they want. You don’t have to go on a mission to do that.

D.E.: You mean Elder Archuleta may have been misinformed?

H.F.: Hey, you know me. I don’t stand much on ceremony. You can have one-on-one time with me wherever you are—on a mission, playing the piano in the middle of a lake, even skinny-dipping at your local swimming hole.

D.E.: You mean you don’t have to get on your knees and pray?

H.F.: Heavens, no! That’s why I wish that Tebow kid would stop Tebowing.

D.E.: Good to know. Well, thanks for your time.

H.F.: Anytime.

D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.

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Posted // April 5,2012 at 16:30

All right, DP, now look what you've done. You've unleashed the Krak! It's charged with square hormones and leaks a tiny bit of pee when it laughs too hard. The Krak forgets that Archuleta's fame was on the wane as evidenced in slumping sales and attendance and that there's nothing pretty about watching a cherub age into another twenty-something with no real career about to happen. He can't survive in music or life depending on a few hundred hard core fans and the mayor of Murray. And it still pisses me off that his dad knows where to get a massage and hand job in this town and I don't! 


Posted // April 7,2012 at 18:44 - Bill - Archuleta has been in Forbes list of the top 10 Idol earners every year since he was on Idol.


Posted // April 5,2012 at 07:44

Satire: trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly.

While I understand the goal of satire and see the direction you were aiming at, I think the huge component you missed here is there is no vice or folly to be discredited, no matter how you try to make it seem as such. And thus you made yourself look like a bully.

I'm not here to deify David. He's not perfect; he would be the first to admit. But your portrayal of him as someone who would feel like he was so important that he required God's undivided attention in a selfish way is so far off base that its insulting. David is sacrificing alot to go on this mission. All missionaries sacrifice but not all missionaries have to do it in a very public eye. And I would guess that most of these kids are not risking a life-long career that they have always dreamed of having by taking two years off. So, yeah, I do see his sacrifice a little more keenly than others.

I don't need to go on to list how unselfish David has been over the years, in ways that he never sought to get attention for. I see that other commenters here have already covered that.

While you are entitled to your own opinion of David and your own interpretation of his motives, I just want to say that I'm proud of what he is doing. I'm not LDS but I respect someone who follows their heart and tries to do what's right.

We need more people in this world with good intentions.


Posted // April 4,2012 at 23:32

I agree that God doesn't care if you pray in a church or bathroom or while driving.  But to sacrifice everything you have, it must be a harder decision especially when you have fame.  Jimmer, Osmond, Steve Young served God in their professions. which could be a right decision for them and God might be pleased.  But one thing you can't ignore is that they kept fame and made money worth for their entire life by staying there rather than no millions of dollars for 2 years.  That is not a bad business, huh?


Posted // April 4,2012 at 23:13

TBH, I feel sorry for you and your life.  You had to diss others to make living for yourself.  I know deep down you want to live life in a right way, just as a good honest writer, but had to chew someone to get recognition (or hate or laugh) for your little fame. 

This kid is pretty decent. What you don't care is how much he cares about others and respect them regardless of social status, individual differences, race, religion, etc.  An unknown cleaning lady told the principal of the school that he thanked her to keep the school clean in Malaysia.  Bus drivers said how he thanked them and always kind to them.  When he returned to Utah after Asia tour, the first place he directly went to was a local hospital. In one cold concert night, he visited a nursing home without notice to sing a Christmas song for them right before his concert.  Nobody would have known if a daughter of a resident didn't tell a fan.  He just tries to live his life fully by helping others and serving God. 

Then someone like you always tries so hard to find any faults from him.  Your life would have been more rewarding if you spent more time to spread goodwill rather than hurting others.


Posted // April 5,2012 at 16:21 - Sarah, English isn't your first language, is it? That's ok, you speak and write better English than I speak or write whatever language you were born with. I think a lot of negativity comes to poor David because we aren't drawn to his music and we all know plenty of really nice, respectful, polite, loving and caring young people already. Just not in my family.


Posted // April 4,2012 at 18:47

You really had to be selective to even find ways to be sarcastic about David.  In his video blog he first said "trying my best to focus on the people over there" before talking about his Heavenly Father.  In his video Crush (his first) David's interest was the modest girl.  In in his subsequent videos where he took more control there were no bathing suits or even bare feet, not even on the beach.  And all of his music is clean as are his concerts which are attended by all ages including kids and seniors. He has retained and defended his values even in an industry that tends to give greater rewards for the opposite. As for your caricature - not even close - he's become a really good looking young man - just look at his new Forevermore video on Youtube (from the CD Forevermore, one of the two albums he recorded in his last 10 weeks so he could leave as much as he could for fans).  BTW all DavidArchie is his twitter. #DA2014