Soothsayers around the world are of one accord—for the first time in recorded history—on their predictions for the coming year. Myron Zukunft, executive secretary of the World Wide Association of Soothsayers, told a packed audience that 2012 will be the Year of the Burwash. “You can take it to the bank, my friend, that Richard Burwash, who burst into glory as the alter ego of Mike Winder in late 2011, will continue to dominate the scene in the coming year, and in years to come.”
The W.W.A.S. provided a month-by-month breakdown of how the multitalented Burwash will stay in the headlines:
January. After receiving the “all-time” best body wax at the Burwash Body Spa, bootylicious Kim Kardashian hooks up with her personal aesthetician Richard Burwash, who likes to bill himself as a “down-and-dirty, hands-on” owner. “Call me Dick,” Burwash tells Kim’s fun-loving family upon moving in with them. “You sure are,” replies Khlo.
February. Following his takeover of Deseret Media, displacing the disrupting innovator “Clark Gilbert,” Burwash challenges Jimmer Fredette to a three-pointing shooting contest after the diminutive phenom is overheard saying that Kim Kardashian has an “exceedingly delightsome derrire.” The Burwash handily defeats The Jimmer, sinking 50 in a row, half of them blindfolded while riding the Jazz Bear’s bicycle.
March. Desperate for a victory, Mit Romney says Burwash will be his Veep should he win the nomination. (Instead of a spike in his poll numbers, Mit had fallen to a new low in February after he performed a double-twist triple-lutz flip-flop and claimed: “I have never been a Mormon, for Pete’s sake, and never will be.”
April. Desperate for attention, Jon Huntsman Jr. says Richard Burwash is his favorite author. No one pays attention, but Burwash’s best-seller, Now is the Winder of My Discontent, becomes the best-selling horror novel of all time.
May. His meteoric rise in the hierarchy of the Mormon Church complete, newly ordained Prophet, Seer and Revelator Richard L. Burwash (L is for Lyman) is greeted by hosannas from the faithful. As a sign of things to come, President Burwash and his apostles appear on the pulpit in Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts.
June. Desperate for people to know that he’s still among the living, former mayor and quixotic fringe presidential candidate Ross “Sparky” Anderson denounces West Valley of the Dicks, Richard Burwash’s best-selling steamy novel.
July. After spending just four months in jail, convicted drug pusher Dewey MacKay is sprung by federal judge Dee Benson, who credits newly appointed justice of the Supreme Court, the Honorable Richard L. Burwash (L is for Learned) for his spasm of compassion. “Ever since I watched him on The People’s Court years ago,” says Benson, “I have absolutely revered Justice Burwash, and when he says the fat man should walk, I do what he says.”
August. With his book of inspirational poems (example: “My Spirit rises, delightsomely/ Like yellow creamy globules in a font of unhomogenized milk.”), Richard Burwash displaces Maya Angelou as Oprah’s favorite inspirational poet. With just three words (“You go, boy!”) from Oprah, Burwash surpasses Richard Paul Evans as the most beloved author of all time.
September. Like Jesus feeding the multitudes, Archbishop Dickos Burwashopoulos sets records for serving galaktoboureko (milk supplied by Winder Dairy) in a two-hour span. Archbishop Burwashopoulos then celebrates the peace settlement between warring (longer than the Trojan War) Salt Lake City congregations by dancing, Zorba-like, an energetic syrtaki. Opa!
October. Master matchmaker Burwash arranges a blind date for his new best friend Oprah and his longtime drinking buddy, Herman Cain. “Love is blind,” enthuses Oprah, who then elopes with the silver-tongued CEO of Self to Libya. “I’ve been totally Hermanated,” gushes the beloved talk-show queen.
November. Third-party presidential candidate Burwash and his running mate, Karl “The Mailman” Malone, defy all odds and capture enough states to cause a stalemate in the Electoral College. Pundits say Mit Romney was helped by dying his hair platinum blonde, but lost crucial votes by naming Super Dell Schanze as his running mate.
December. After a fractious debate in the House of Representatives, Richard Burwash is named by acclamation the 45th president of the United States. Just after Christmas, he forces Karl Malone to resign because of fraud (“You told me you were the Milkman!” says an indignant President-Elect Burwash). With great fanfare, he introduces Sarah Palin as his Number Two. They then steal away to Vegas to be married by an Elvis impersonator.
D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.