QUANDARY: You want to conquer the heights, but not the mountain.
THE FIX: Angels Landing Trail. This hike requires a head for heights with its 1,488 foot climb to some of the most breathtaking views in southern Utah. Near the top, the path becomes so narrow, it’s tempting to hug the mountainside. Reach the top and you can almost touch the birds of prey hoping to snack upon you as they spiral overhead. Pack a lunch and take a well-deserved rest before heading back down.
Zion National Park, near Springdale
QUANDARY: You’re an American, dammit, but right-wing nutjobs have hijacked the flag, wrapped it around Sean Hannity and made is so you can’t enjoy the Fourth of July anymore.
THE FIX: Screw ‘em. Don’t let anyone tell you how to be a patriot. Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t have. Throw yourself an old fashioned July 4 party celebrating the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. Alternatively, drive to Evanston, buy some illegal fireworks that shoot like rockets out of a tube and point the business end at the fence of your neighbor with the Bush-Cheney bumper sticker. It’s your choice. God bless America.
QUANDARY: It’s hot. You want a gelato but live in Utah, not Italy.
THE FIX: Utah, the land of ice cream lovers, is fast becoming the land of gelato, as well. Owners of Bella Dolci in West Jordan and Citta Gelateria in Sandy trekked to Italy to learn how to make the creamy stuff, which for some reason quenches the summer sweet tooth in a way good ‘ol American ice cream can’t. In Sugar House, Dolcetti Gelato serves up an array of flavors of gelato, including a delicious pistachio, and also makes sorbetto in flavors like pear and kiwi.
Bella Dolci, 6973 S. 4800 West, West Jordan, 696-0009; Citta Gelateria, 2101 E. 9400 South, Sandy, 790-4135; Dolcetti Gelato, 1751 S. 1100 East, 485-3254.
QUANDARY: You’re too poor to go on an exotic vacation.n
THE FIX: Some imported greenery from Cactus & Tropicals. If you don’t have the cash to visit a faraway rain forest this summer, you can at least scrape together enough coin to make your patio, porch, or front room do its best Amazon impression. Cactus & Tropicals stocks vegetation from the around the globe so—with the help of a few lush plants—you can transform your desert outpost into a flowering emerald oasis.
QUANDARY: Health officials warn the summer sun is heating car exhaust causing Utah’s valleys to fill with deadly ozone.
THE FIX: Head to the mountains. Nothing beats the heat or clears up a pollution cough like a summertime ride on Snowbird’s tram. Or stop for lunch at the Silver Fork Lodge in Big Cottonwood Canyon. For an emergency quick breath of fresh air there are breezy patios at several restaurants up Emigration Canyon where a short drive can mean a precipitous drop in deadly car exhaust and temperatures. Who knows, this August, you might still find some skiing.
QUANDARY: You are seriously beginning to question if you dare eat a peach.
THE FIX: Peach Days at Brigham City. Your colon can handle one day’s worth of summer’s purest nectars. Get out of the city, gorge on peaches and soak in Mother Nature. Celebrated in September, the weekend after Labor Day, Peach Days is one of the oldest harvest festivals in Utah, complete with the crowning of a Miss Brigham City Peach Queen.
Brigham City Peach Days, Brigham City Area Chamber of Commerce, 435-723-3931, Sept. 4-6
QUANDARY: You love beer but hate shopping.
THE FIX: You can roll into Smith’s drunk (already mandatory for Avenues residents)—or go the extra mile to the Happiest Place on 300 West—no, not the strip joint, but The Beer Store inside the Squatters/Wasatch co-op. No supermarket zombies or convenience-store riffraff to deal with, just beer, beer and more beer being sold by beer people (as in, they actually know their product). With several rotating Squatters and Wasatch brews—and even a root beer—on tap for takeout and enough related T-shirts and gear to clothe yourself every day of the summer (go ahead, try it), you’ll learn to laugh at corporate lime-suds like the rest of us.
Utah Brewers Co-op, Wasatch & Squatters beers, 1763 S. 300 West, 466-8855
QUANDARY: To fly in the face of what’s cool, you gave yourself a perm. Only you now look like a fuzzy poodle in need of a groomer. As you face getting your head shorn, you crave the nearly naked female form and touch.n
THE FIX: Bikini Cuts. First, its stylists have scissors, and they know how to use them. Secondly, getting a buzz cut by bikini-clad women in a salon that’s decked out like Hawaii will set all your frazzled ends at ease.