QUANDARY: You want to sit within 50 feet of the court when watching Jazz players, but you’re not an EnergySolutions executive or state lawmaker.
THE FIX: All of the seats at the Rocky Mountain Revue, held at Salt Lake Community College in July, are close enough to allow you to see and smell the sweat and you won’t need to take out a second mortgage on your home to purchase them. True, you won’t be watching D-Will and Booz, but you will be seeing whoever Utah picks up in the draft along with probable appearances by young Jazzmen like Morris Almond and Kyrylo Fesenko as they battle NBA wannabes from other teams. There was some doubt as to whether the annual summer league would continue in 2008, but the Jazz stated in April that it would, with details to follow.
Check NBA.com/Jazz in July for more details.
QUANDARY: You want to wear threads endorsed by NBA players but don’t want to pay more than $9 for them.
THE FIX: East Coast clothing retailer Steve & Barry’s is now in Utah so you can get Stephon Marbury’s “Starbury” high-tops or Ben Wallace’s “Big Ben Sho Yo ‘Fro” clothing line (along with women’s clothing lines from Sarah Jessica Parker, Amanda Bynes and Venus Williams). Nothing in the store costs more than $8.98.
Steve & Barry’s, Van Winkle Shopping Center, 5546 S. Van Winkle Expressway, Murray, 877-762-9444
QUANDARY: Your car is getting repossessed, and your bookie’s on call waiting. Plus, you’re hungry for something that reminds you of your proud pioneer heritage.
THE FIX: Take TRAX downtown and scavenge for Dutch-oven samples at City Weekly’s RecFest on Saturday, June 14. Your creditors will never think of looking for you at the Gallivan Center, where you can listen to bands like the Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, Lee Rocker and Ghostowne while stuffing your face with free eats and some reasonably priced chuckwagon grub. Maybe you can borrow money from City Weekly’s exalted leader John Saltas or dining critic Ted Scheffler, likely to be foraging beside you for free samples as they judge the Dutch oven cookoff. There’s a climbing wall, a bike garage and activities for the kids. All at no cost to you, bub.
RecFest, Gallivan Center, 239 S. Main, June 14, 12-6 p.m. SLWeekly.com
QUANDARY: Unrelenting infernal heat inducing insatiable thirst and toxic crankiness.
THE FIX: A cold mug of locally brewed Bohemian Brewery beer. The joys of summer can sometimes be eclipsed by a long list of inconveniences including (but certainly not limited to) sweltering heat, large crowds of annoying people in public places and travel delays. If you find the logistics of the season getting you down, drop by Bohemian Brewery for a pint of Czech Pilsner. After a few cold, satisfying sips, you’ll embrace the sunny side of summer. Especially after you learn you can purchase Bohemian Brewery beer in cans from many local grocers.
Bohemian Brewery, 94 E. 7200 South, 566-5474, BohemianBrewery.com
QUANDARY: Global warming and the scourge of high gas prices.n
THE FIX: An electric scooter from Eco Moto. If you’re the spirited hooligan—or you simply think like one—who enjoys decorating Salt Lake City landmarks with words like “No more blood for oil,” you probably ditched your gas-guzzling automobile long ago. If you still have yours, head to Eco Moto pronto and purchase a stylish electric scooter so you don’t have to contribute another red cent to international oil barons intent on enslaving the masses, ruining the environment and socking the money away in all the wrong coffers.
QUANDARY: You’re in dire need of a 19th-century spa cure.
THE FIX: Do you feel frazzled? Overworked? On the verge of hysteria? Two centuries ago, a friendly doctor might have prescribed a curative dip in Crystal Hot Springs’ dual hot and cold mineral pools. In the 21st century, you don’t need a doctor’s note to spend the day soaking in Honeyville’s pristine pools. Still, the rejuvenating powers of these twin pools—even with the joyful racket from the nearby water slide—are difficult to deny. After your first visit, you’ll wish you’d taken the cure sooner.
Crystal Hot Springs, 8215 N. Highway 38 (one hour north of Salt Lake City in Honeyville), 435-279-8104, CrystalHotSprings.net
QUANDARY: You’ve been tweaking all night and are now in the mood for some lively music.
THE FIX: While the downtown Farmers Market at Pioneer Park has become a veritable celebration of local produce, arts and crafts, it is also one of the few places you can hear live music first thing in the morning. Local bands provide a toe-tapping outlet for your nervous feet. City Weekly sponsors the music stage, so visit our booth to see if we have any free schwag you can fidget with. When the market closes at 1 p.m., no need to skedaddle; just wait for your tweaker buddies to rejoin you in time for the park’s afternoon drug bust.
Downtown Farmers Market, Historic Pioneer Park, 300 S. 300 West, Saturdays, June 14-Oct. 18, 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. DowntownSLC.org
QUANDARY: It’s hard to get some summer lovin’ because you live with your parents.
THE FIX: There’s a reason that going to drive-in movie theaters has been a standard date location since the gee-whiz days of yore: It works. It may seem a little presumptuous, but if you can convince a crush to come with you to the Redwood Drive-In, then you’re almost guaranteed a hot make-out sesh without embarrassing parental disruptions. And, they also show movies there. Since every show is a double feature, the $6 you pay per person makes it an über-affordable date. Plus, it’s super-easy to sneak in adult concessions (but you didn’t hear that from us).
Redwood Drive-In, 3688 S. Redwood Road, 973-7088
QUANDARY: Due to your pale, winter skin, you’re terrified to take off your shirt in public.
THE FIX: Get tattooed. If there’s one thing that can divert eyes from a well-toned, tan hard body, it’s a beautiful piece of art on your skin. With so many talented SLC artists, places to get tattooed are plenty, but the new(ish) Eleventh Street Electric Gallery stands out as the last bastion of cool in the recently dismantled Sugar House neighborhood. And a little needle pain is nothing compared to the sunburns, peeling and skin-damage-that-may-one-day-lead-to-cancer that you typically endure to get that perfect summer tan.
Eleventh Street Electric Gallery, 1994 S. 1100 East, 467-4418
QUANDARY: You don’t have a thing to wear.n
THE FIX: Go naked. Face it—it’s too hot to wear anything bigger than a Post-It Note (or, OK, three Post-It Notes for Little Miss Modesty over there). But, even in the fleshpots of Salt Lake City, walking around in the buff is bound to elicit a few raised eyebrows. Why not let sleeping eyebrows lie and take a jaunt to one of Salt Lake City’s convenient and secluded canyon recreation areas? Even in this day and age, healthful nudism isn’t exactly legal in most places—so find an out-of-the-way spot and keep a cover-up close at hand (Gestapo raids do happen occasionally). Those special parts you’ve kept cruelly locked away in the dark all winter long will thank you when they’re finally brought to the light of day.n