Thursday, May 17
Community (NBC) In the 90-minute season finale (actually, three half-hours), the Greendale gang takes on Breaking Bad’s Gus (Giancarlo Esposito), Chang’s new security dictatorship, Jeff’s lawyer frenemy (Rob Corddry) and the relief of not being cancelled.
30 Rock (NBC) Jack and Avery, Liz and Criss, Tracy and Cornel West(?), relief and not cancelled, etc.
Missing (ABC) Becca (Ashley Judd) finally saves her idiot teen son from kidnappers, because (as will be referenced several times) she’s a badass ex-CIA agent. This show seems to be “missing” from ABC’s fall schedule—ha!
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) In a twist that’s only happened seven times before, the Season 8 finale of Grey’s Anatomy will be “heart-wrenching” and “the doctors’ lives will be in jeopardy.” Slow clap for Shonda Rhimes, everyone.
Scandal (ABC) A shocking announcement rocks the presidency, and only Olivia and her pretty PR team can save ’Merica. Let’s keep that clap for Shonda going …
Rules of Engagement (CBS) That long-forgotten surrogate baby being carried for Jeff and Audrey may or may not finally show up, Russell gives up perving on women, and this sitcom will live for 30 more years.
Person of Interest (CBS) Reese must save an apparently lousy psychologist (Amy Acker) from being murdered by a crazy patient. In case you forgot, this is the show about Jesus (Jim Caviezel) fighting crime with science.
The Mentalist (CBS) Patrick Jane is foiled by Red John yet again, so he drowns his sorrows in booze and a cocktail waitress (Emmanuelle Chriqui—score!) and guns down one of his own team (d’oh!). Your mom and her cats will be quite upset.
Friday, May 18
Who Do You Think You Are? (NBC) Paula Deen digs up 150 years of artery-clogged ancestors.
Grimm (NBC) A string of bloody supernatural murders terrorize Portland, Ore., but Nick has a bigger problem: His wife may finally learn that he’s a monster hunter and, even worse, that he’s not even getting paid extra.
Nikita (The CW) It’s the final showdown between Nikita and the lamely named Percy at Division—but can she take him out before the president and/or The CW blow the joint up?
Supernatural (The CW) It’s the final showdown between the Winchesters and the awesomely named Dick Roman at SucroCorp—can they take him out before he enslaves the world with Turducken sandwiches? This is serious, people!
Saturday, May 19
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Mick Jagger hosts but, contrary to Maroon 5 propaganda, no longer actually moves like Jagger. Also: Dave Grohl makes his 150th SNL appearance.
Sunday, May 20
Harry’s Law (NBC) Cases in the legal drama’s series finale include murder, discrimination and a geezer fired for popping out his false teeth at work. Git ’em, Matlock!
The Apprentice (NBC) Finalists Arsenio Hall, Clay Aiken and Aubrey O’Day vie to either get “hired” by Donald Trump or form the world’s most frightening Black Eyed Peas tribute band.
The Cleveland Show (Fox) Cleveland Jr. and weird girl Daisy (voiced by Rashida Jones) attend the prom as a lesbian couple. Glee is just ruining everything.
The Simpsons (Fox) Lady Gaga (Lady Gaga) shows up to teach Lisa and the whole town of Springfield that it’s OK to be different. Glee is just ruining everything.
Bob’s Burgers (Fox) Bob’s big break on a local TV news-cooking segment is ruined not by Glee, but Gene in a Sasquatch mask. Whew …
Family Guy (Fox) In the one-hour Season 10 finale, Brian and Stewie answer viewer mail (again), and Peter has yet another time-killing altercation with the Angry Chicken. Just printin’ money now, huh, Seth?
Sherlock (PBS) Moriarty drops the “final problem,” and a tabloid reporter reveals some kind of “shocking truth” about Sherlock. Oh, like anybody believes tabloids.
Monday, May 21
House (Fox) Following a one-hour series retrospective/navel-gaze about eight seasons, the series finale of House finds Dr. Cranky treating a drug addict who—wait for it—forces him to face his own demons (no, Cuddy ain’t among them).
Tuesday, May 22
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Don’t know, don’t care. Let’s move on to …
Glee (Fox) McKinley High’s Class of 2012 prepares to graduate and move on to their bright futures as office temps, amusement-park workers and dayshift strippers—but not before euthanizing a classic pop tune or five.
Wednesday, May 23
The Middle (ABC) Mike’s brother Rusty (Norm MacDonald) is getting married—soon and, according to the invitations, at the Heck house. You-know-what ensues.
Modern Family (ABC) Mitchell and Cam adopt another baby! Alex goes to the prom! Jay and Manny take Lily to her dance recital! Gloria says something hysterically unintelligible! Claire gets pissed at Phil! Haley makes a shocking announcement! (Spoiler: It’s that she’s a 31-year-old chain smoker.)
Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23 (ABC) June discovers that Chloe’s party-girl lifestyle is so infamous that there’s a Japanese comic book based on it (Hentai or manga? This is serious, people!); James Van Der Beek discovers that Dean Cain’s Dancing With the Stars dressing room is bigger than his. (OK, now I care about DWTS.)
Revenge (ABC) Emily’s epic revenge endgame reaches its explosive conclusion! Well, not entirely: There’s another season coming this fall … so …
Betty White’s Off Their Rockers (NBC) The oldsters pull the ultimate prank on unsuspecting young folks: Social Security.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) The SVU team investigates the death of a hooker at a bachelor party. Slow clap for Dick Wolf, everyone.
American Idol (Fox) Music is dealt a double blow as the nation crowns its next Billboard footnote … and Aerosmith performs. Steven Tyler is just ruining everything.