A Match Made in Heaven
Marriage equality also means even bigger money for Utah's wedding business
By Holly Welker
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A PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS
While many couples have successful DIY weddings, some vendors suggest that their professional skill can be all the more important for same-sex couples.
"In straight weddings, the groom just has to worry about a tuxedo and then be there on the appointed day," says David Daniel of Dav.d Photography. "In a gay marriage with two grooms, they get to do all the planning, and often don't know the ins and outs of planning a wedding. So as a photographer, I often find myself doing a little bit of coaching and giving some suggestions at least to scheduling and events."
Given that they're already changing protocol by not marrying a person of the opposite sex, many same-sex couples also feel freer to adapt or forgo convention to tailor a wedding that suits their personalities.
"Sometimes, tradition can bog traditional marriage celebrations down," Footer says. "And when you don't have that to fight with, it's just a party."
Wedding planner Marian concurs. "A lot of these couples are open to more innovative ideas," she says. "They don't have a vision that they've been stuck on for two decades, so they're more open to doing things different."
Some traditions do stick. Jenna Cole, manager of the Brides Shop in Salt Lake City, says that when both brides elect to wear wedding dresses, they still maintain the tradition of not being seen in their dress by their future spouse until the wedding. "I've never had a same-sex couple come in at the same time," she says. "They like to keep what they're wearing a secret. They come in with a friend or someone they both know who will keep the secret what each bride is wearing, but help them coordinate. I think it's cute. It's super fun."
Cole admits she was initially surprised the first time she helped a woman who was marrying another woman, but that the feeling wore off quickly. "She was a regular bride and we treated her like a regular bride," Cole says. "We're here to help women and girls on their wedding day and help find their dream dress, be their consultant, help them style their dress and help them figure out ways to make their wedding complete. We don't care who you're marrying. We just want to help."
Now that Cole has worked with several same-sex couples, "maybe the most surprising thing is how shy they sometimes are to tell you," she says. "Usually we start out with, 'Who are you marrying?' When we're in the dressing room, that's what we ask them. I've had girls just kind of beat around the bush and try not to say anything, and then eventually she'll say, 'Oh, she's a girl.' And I'm always like, 'That's great!'"
Hannah Herman, manager of Tuxedos by Lee in West Jordan, also describes working with same-sex couples as "fun." The same-sex couples she has helped were women, which "was a new experience." The women "were real fun to work with. Definitely a fun group of people to have in the store," she says.
What mattered most was what mattered with every group she works with: pleasing the patrons. "It's definitely something I shoot for, working in customer service," Herman says. "I love seeing people leave happy."
For Daniel, having a professional onhand to focus on that happiness above all else can save the day itself, and memories of it.
Part of his job, he says, is to coax couples into poses that capture the love involved in a wedding.
"Some gay couples are afraid to show affection in front of the camera, at least in a public setting," he says. "Often they are fearful of a homophobic reaction."
Megan Berrett and Candice Green, who had a reception in South Jordan before flying to New York City in 2012 to be legally married in a ceremony in Central Park, were anxious about planning a gay wedding celebration in a conservative area of the Salt Lake Valley.
"Every number we called—be it caterer, florist, photographers—we first asked if it was OK that we were a gay couple," Green says. But everyone responded with "nothing but support," she says. "Noah's, the reception place, told us we were their first gay couple, and they were excited about that."
Even vendors the women could recognize as LDS "talked to us with excitement as if we were any couple," she says.
It was a welcome change for the two. "We had many extended family members refuse to come to the reception and even say very cruel things before and after," Green says "But all the professionals were sweet and loving."
FAMILY DRAMA
While every wedding day involves stress, Daniel says, "gay couples seem to deal with a bit more family drama. Not all family members will be in support of gay marriage, and so some family choose not to attend. It depends on the level of support from family members."
Michael Ferguson jokingly calls his and Seth Anderson's landmark legal union a "shotgun wedding," but adds that it was perfect, in that "it avoided the pain of having an enormous party to celebrate my life and my love, and then have it become yet another reminder of why and how I hurt my family. Those are painful events. And who wants the most meaningful relationship ritual marred by family demons?"
But for other couples, involving family is integral to the couple's sense of commitment, even with drama to manage.
Berrett and Green were both raised in traditional LDS homes. "We didn't want to feel like we were just living together; we wanted the legal commitment to protect and honor each other," Green says.
Joseph Broom and Mark Koepke had been together almost two years when Koepke was diagnosed in 2013 with inoperable prostate cancer, which made it important to formalize their relationship. (Koepke's cancer is currently contained through various treatments, and he is living an active and otherwise healthy life.)
Their small commitment ceremony in their Holladay backyard in August 2013 was also a way, Broom says, to "'educate' guests (who ranged from gay men to orthodox Mormon neighbors) about what it means to be gay" as well as to "make a statement to our families" about acceptance—particularly since two of Broom's 10 children from a straight marriage will have nothing to do with him.
Broom and Koepke were legally married in Hawaii in April 2014, but that, Broom says, "was a mere formality."
Those early commitment ceremonies and receptions, though not legally binding in Utah, may have helped to pave the way for marriage equality by making it more familiar and less frightening.
"There has been no stronger vehicle to humanize gay, lesbian and transgender Americans than marriage," says Troy Williams, executive director of Equality Utah. "Marriage is a universal institution. All cultures have some form of marriage, in some capacity. We all connect to this idea of companionship, love, building a family, as well as the economic importance of marriage. As more people started getting married, it started this momentum, and it opened up people's hearts and minds in a way that no other political movement for LGBT folks has."
For Bryan Nash and Nathan Judd, it was that new acceptance that made them feel comfortable about their ceremony being featured in Utah Bride & Groom—beyond the fact that "it's a compliment and flattering, and who doesn't like to see themself in a magazine?" Nash says with a laugh.
"But my husband, especially, has deep business and family roots in Salt Lake City, and it was like, 'All right, the gig is going to be officially up now,"— they would be out of the closet not only to friends and family but to everyone.
"If this had been five or six or more years ago, it would have been a different conversation than we had about publishing it," Nash says. "But I feel like Utah as a whole and people that we know have progressed enough that we felt comfortable going ahead and running the spread."
And just three months later, while they visited family in Utah for Christmas, Shelby's ruling meant that they could be legally wed in their home state.
THEN COMES EQUALITY
But there is still work to do for LGBT rights—work that was considered foundational elsewhere. "Typically, in Massachusetts and eastern states, non-discrimination laws came first, then came marriage," Williams says. "In Utah, we've inverted that. You can get fired and evicted from your homes because of your sexual orientation or gender identity. You can be denied service in restaurants, buses, taxis. And until we have access to all of those freedoms and all of those liberties, we are not full citizens of the United States of America."
The ultimate objective of the LGBT movement now is "full legal equality in all areas governed by civil law," Williams says. "Now, we have to make the case to Utahns of why it's wrong to fire or evict someone, a hard-working Utahn who just wants their shot at the American dream."
But the LGBT community does not want "to force churches or synagogues to marry gay couples," he says. "There's no desire to impose that on any faith. I know that's a fear that some people have, but there's no movement or effort. The First Amendment protects churches."
"There's very much a live-and-let-live attitude, so over time, those fears will dissipate," Williams continues. "We don't want to be sore winners. We want to reach out to our critics, our adversaries, and find ways to make friends. We've got to begin the healing process in this state."
THE OTHER SIDE
Although the focus is now on the benefits of legal marriage to gay couples, eventually, some married gay couples will avail themselves of the court system to end their marriages—but this, too, is a good thing, many in the legal system say.
"The availability of legal divorce that comes with legal marriage will allow gay couples access to the orderly, equitable and civil process for dissolving their relationship that divorce provides," said Steven Garff, an attorney with Price Parkinson & Kerr, PLLC, in Salt Lake City. "Some people who have been through divorce may take issue with some of those adjectives, but legal divorce is generally much better than the alternatives. The simple ability to turn the fighting over to your attorney so that you don't have to deal with the dispute directly can be a life-saver for some."
Brian E. Arnold, a partner at Arnold & Wadsworth, a firm with offices in Salt Lake City, Lehi and Ogden, thinks that gay divorce will also force courts to grapple more directly with gender bias, in large part because of custody questions.
"No longer will there be the argument in a custody battle that the mother is a better caretaker of the children than the father," Arnold wrote via e-mail. "Now that you will be dealing with two mothers or two fathers who are raising the child (whether through adoption or artificial insemination), the stereotype that the mother is the better caretaker of the child won't apply. I believe better child-custody determination factors will also be developed, that will be more gender-neutral than the present factors we have in place."
Other legal details must change as well: "The child-support calculator will need an option for two moms and two dads instead of just one option of 'mom' and 'dad.' Title 30 of the Utah Code (the statutes governing marriage) will need to be revamped to include definitions and conformity for gay couples that was afforded to heterosexual couples. All the divorce forms will have to change. Child-protective-order forms will need to change."
Arnold believes that rather than being a threat to straight marriage, legal recognition of gay marriage can benefit straight marriage. "As the law develops in regard to domestic partnerships and gay marriage," Arnold says, it's probable that "the law will become clearer, and it will progress in a way that will help people argue their cases in more detail. I believe it will provide judges with better standards to rely on as they make custody determinations. I'm hoping that as these cases progress through the court, it will lead to better law in divorce actions overall."
Ultimately, all anyone has about what the long-term fruits of marriage equality will be in Utah are guesses—many of them extremely educated and well-informed, but guesses nonetheless.
But as David Daniel of Dav.d Photography puts it, "It will be an exciting time for sure."
And don't forget: Everyone is invited.