2008 Year in Preview: The Blueprint for the New Year 

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Which new Utah liquor regulation will have the world laughing?

MC: The most important rule of comedy is to wait until the laughter dies down from the first joke before telling the next.

BF: Nail-polish remover will be taken off supermarket shelves and moved to State Liquor Stores because some legislator’s kid got wasted on Cutex.

HM: Since people who drink alcohol in Utah are considered as frightening and unpredictable as terrorists, the state will be installing eye-scan technology at the entrance to all liquor stores and private clubs. By their irises ye shall know them.

TW: The new 4-foot barbed-wire fence on top of the bar to prevent children in a restaurant from climbing to a view of sin.

Which Jazz player will cause Larry Miller to seek medical intervention, and why?

MC: I lost my sports guru in the divorce, so my standard answer to all sports questions is: They need to show up to get the job done. They need a good offense and good defense. They need to run with the ball and, above all, have heart. If you have heart, you can win the game. (This does not apply in hockey, by the way.)

BF: It’ll actually be the Jazz Bear, after he’s caught giving it “Kodiak style” to a Jazz Dancer in the locker room.

HM: Deron Williams. He’s currently the best point guard in the NBA and will eventually eclipse even John Stockton’s performance in that role. Once Williams reaches free-agent status, every rich team in the league will come after him. It will cause Larry great anxiety attacks and, oh, probably a few tears.

TW: Larry Miller’s gout (a decease of the joints) will get much worse due to the flexibility he’ll need to deal with the Jazz this year: Gordan Giricek will force a back flip; Carlos Boozer’s defense, a handstand. And team defense? A complete round-off. Larry, get some Ben-Gay.

MC: For me, it is the puppy-torture bill or Henry’s Law. After Michael Vick, it should be a no-brainer.

BF: New regulations requiring bathroom stall partitions to reach all the way to the floor.

HM: The nuclear power issue is going to bubble to the surface, starting in earnest this year. Republican Reps. Mike Noel and Aaron Tilton, both with deep conflicts of interest surrounding nuclear technology, are working overtime to line their pockets from construction of two or more nuke plants in southern Utah. Efforts to lighten up on coal power will make nuclear look like the perfect replacement to most legislators. They will conveniently overlook the fact that no nuclear plant in the world has yet found an acceptable way to dispose of its waste and that Utahns have consistently fought dumping waste in our back yard. Details, mere details.

TW: Whether to cut taxes when everyone but some legislators (governor included) wants better education now that vouchers crumbled like stale Oreo cookies. Education needs money, not tricks. A governor’s chance to shine: health-care reform. Can he do it?

Will the phrase “wide stance” mean anything to Utah politicians this year?

MC: I am still trying to wipe out the picture of Larry Craig’s pasty legs … his blue socks held up by stocking garters … and his “come hither” hand signals. Please … no more!

BF: See my previous answer.

HM: Nah. They’ll think the term has something to do with BYU football.

TW: In Utah, it has little to do with the restroom and more to do with baseball hitters.