2002 Summer Guide 

A is for Alaska, where “rugged single men far outnumber the local women.” That’s the setup for Looking For Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska (debuting June 2), the latest reality-dating TV special from those tastemakers at Fox. Just as the five loveless “career” women do on the show, the A-Z List strongly suggests that all ladies in search of a man spend this summer trolling the 49th state for Mr. Right. We’ll wait here, feet on the table, drinking beer.

B is for, coincidentally, Beer. Last year, the A-Z List pledged its allegiance to the local lagers of Wasatch Beer—the tasty Slickrock, to be exact. This summer, however, Squatters’ light ’n’ hoppy St. Provo Girl pilsner is the brew of choice for fun in the sun. Still love the Wasatch, but until their highly anticipated Magna Ho Amber Ale is introduced, this is just how it’s gonna be.

C is for Concealed-Carry Permit—isn’t it about time you got one? As a wise man (either Homer Simpson or Ted Nugent) once said, “We need guns to protect ourselves from the nuts who have guns.” Face it, this summer would be a much safer one if we were all packing heat as God, the Constitution and Eddie Eagle intended us to. At West Valley City’s high-caliber Totally Awesome Guns & Range, you can take a CC class and pop off a few rounds at the indoor range, where the targets all consist of Superdell’s face beaming from a bull’s eye. OK, not really—but just imagine the spike in business.

Dis for “The D”—as in Tenacious D, the greatest band on the face of this unworthy planet. Pick up many copies of Tenacious D, listen several hundred times and recalibrate your senses of Humor and Rock during any free summer downtime. Repeat if necessary. Next letter … Next! Letter!

E is for Ecstasy. Word to the wise: Never, ever attempt to write a breezy summer filler article after dosing on this stuff—you’ll just wind up waxing poetic about butterfly collections or something.

F is for Fire, an A-Z tradition. All together now: Stuff will burn this summer. Don’t know where, don’t know how, but stuff will burn.

G is for Girls Gone Wild, the award-winning documentary series about liberated young women at spring break and Mardi Gras who just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. During its investigative summer travels, the A-Z List has never—repeat, never—come across any of these breast-flashing free spirits. It’s just not right.

H is for Hat, a good idea for the summertime, according to the Utah Safety Council: “A hat with a wide brim offers good sun protection to your eyes, ears, face and the back of your neck—areas particularly prone to overexposure from the sun.” The USC also advises you to “protect other areas of your body with clothing during prolonged periods in the sun. Tightly-woven, loose-fitting clothes are best, but any clothing is better than none.” Reached for comment, Dave Candland and Lil’ Kim strongly disagreed.

I is for Ice, the most popular A-Z vowel-item for a fifth (!) consecutive year: “A great new invention just released by the government into the public sector: frozen water. Developed in the space program, this concoction is actually very simple to prepare and will help make summers much cooler. Call your local federal agency for a free brochure.” In the summertime, what’s better than putting ice down your pants? That’s right: having a friend put ice down your pants (though either may be illegal in Draper).

J is for Job—have one for the summer? The A-Z List strongly suggests something in the ice-making or documentary cameraman fields. Failing that, drop by the City Weekly offices and we’ll put you to work writing, er, proofreading personal ads.

K is for Kids. Just leave the annoying little pricks home this summer, OK?

L is for Lustful summer thoughts—banish them from your mind! “In our culture today, as the temperature increases, so does the amount of exposed skin on people’s bodies,” says Muslim writer Dr. Hesham Hassaballa. In other words, stop ogling that scantily-clad gal/guy before it’s too late! “It all begins with a lustful glance. Such a glance leads to lustful talk and flirting,” Dr. Hassaballa continues, “and we are all aware of what comes next.” The bar tab and a bitter, lonely drive home?

M is for summer Movies that only the A-Z List is looking forward to: Scooby-Doo (June 14), with Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred going live-action and Scoob going CGI—how could it possibly suck? Eight-Legged Freaks (July 12), with David Arquette and Kari Wuhrer battling big-ass mutated spiders. Crocodile Hunter (July 12), featuring Steve Irwin in his dramatic acting debut as … the Crocodile Hunter—crikey! The Country Bears (July 26), a rockumentary about the famous Bear band on the comeback trail after wallowing in the depths of in-fighting, groupie-mauling and honey/cocaine speedballs.

N is for Nipples—and natural ones, at that. In the 2001 edition of the A-Z List, it was “reported” (as much as this is a “news” service) that BodyPerks, the silicone stick-on accessories today’s fashionable women wear to give the effect of protruding nipples 24-7, was the hot item of the summer. Obviously influenced by that mention, the little booby buddies turned up on an episode of HBO’s Sex and the City soon after, effectively wilting BodyPerks’ cool factor. This season, A-Z forecasts a couture twist, with natural nipples proudly popping back up on the scene. The secret? See “I.”

O is for Ozzfest—when you peruse this issue’s handy Summer Concert list, you’ll notice that America’s hottest new sitcom star and his traveling nü-noise show have blown Utah off once again (closest date: Denver’s Pepsi Center, Aug. 22). Why bother to mention it? Another “O” is represented on the tour: After Orem’s newest major-label act The Used get done with the Warped Tour in June, they’re spending the rest of the summer with Ozzy. Way to go—and don’t puke on the poodles, dudes.

P is for Public sweat marks—a nicer way of saying “pit stains”—which are still considered gauche in the New Millennium, so feel free to spray the Right Guard on as heavily as you like this summer. That “ozone layer” thing will hold out as long as you need it—let the next generation deal with it.

Q is for Queer Duck, the online cartoon series (Showtime.com) chronicling the hysterically homosexual adventures of QD, Oscar Wildcat, Openly Gator and Bi-Polar Bear. What’s it got to do with summer? Nothing, really—just needed a “Q” here.

R is for Reading, the precious intellectual gift you’re wasting on this list right now. A far better poolside read is Bernard Goldberg’s Bias: A CBS Insider Exposes How the Media Distort the News, wherein the 30-year CBS News vet lays out the none-too-shocking theory that the Liberal Media is no myth—and he’s a liberal, himself. “Goldberg is dead on,” says U.S. News & World Report. “The astonishing distrust of the news media is rooted in the daily clash of worldviews between reporters and their readers and viewers.” We now return you to summer fluff, already in progress …

S is for Socks with sandals—it’s the dumbest summer look ever, so don’t do it. No, not with black socks, either.

T is for Tatu, the biggest pop sensation in Russia, with sights set on invading TRL and America this July with the U.S. release of their already-platinum homeland debut. Teens Lena and Julia, who may or may not be lesbian lovers, screech like pampered riot grrrls over grinding electronica in the video for “Ya Soshla S Uma” (“I’m Losing My Mind,” see it at TatuGirls.com), then make out against a fence in the rain while scowling adults look on. Live, Lena and Julia perform in just underwear and knee socks while gyrating ambiguously against each other. Yeah, they’re going to be huge here … for at least the summer.

U is for all the Useful summer information you’ve been given for free here. Take a moment and meditate on how grateful you are.

V is for Victoria Jackson, she of Saturday Night Live and many a comic TV and film appearance. The blonde comedienne (signatures: handstands, ukuleles, squeaky voice) only does stand-up tours sporadically, and she’s bringing the funny to Wiseguys Comedy Club this summer (June 23). Even better, she’s not bringing Joe Piscopo.

W is for Wet Hot American Summer, a hysterical/horrible (depends who you ask) 2001 flick starring Janeane Garofalo and several players from the hipster intelligentsia of the alt-comedy world. More than just a twisted parody of early-’80s summer-camp movies (but not much more), this video/DVD is a must for summertime couch-surfing—whether it made this issue’s classic summer movie guide or not.

X is for XM Radio. A satellite radio system with full-on digital reception wherever you roam, XM Radio offers 100 unique subscription channels (70 music, 30 news/talk) on the cheap for $9.99 a month—not counting the $200-$300 you’ll have to put out for a compatible stereo system for your car (some portable for home use). Is it worth 10 bones to be able to flip around the dial during summer drives and not hear the same crap tune on every station? No price is too high to keep Creed from blaring from more car windows.

Y is for Yes, this summer piece is almost over. Sweet, merciful God, almost over.

Z is for Z-Boys—as in Dogtown & Z-Boys, the hella-cool skateboard documentary film finally opening locally May 31. If this detailed and attitudinal account of the ’70s SoCal skate-rat scene doesn’t make you want to drain a swimming pool and carve, you’re probably the kind of person who actually takes lists like this seriously. Gotta bail …