Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Shitty Clickbait: Website Claims SLC Ranks 2nd in Sexiness

Posted By on July 22, 2014, 9:13 AM

click to enlarge sexyslc1.jpg
How does one determine if a city is sexy or not? Phallic skyscrapers? Firm, girthy streets? Overly lubricated trains? Easy access to round, butt-like sporting arenas? It's impossible to gauge. However, the listicle scientists over at Movoto, a real-estate website that would rank cities based on "Vegan Grandparents" if it could, recently released a "study" that ranks SLC second among mid-sized cities in the subjective field of sexiness

The following are Movoto's nine sexiest mid-sized cities, in order. 

1. Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
2. Salt Lake City
3. Richmond, Va.
4. Tempe, Ariz.
5. Knoxville, Tenn.
6. Springfield, Mo.
7. Huntsville, Ala.
8. Dayton, Ohio
9. Tallahassee, Fla.
9. Savannah, Ga.


Reading this list is like reading a tour schedule for Slipknot. But according to Movoto, the study determined its "sexiest cities" based on data from the 2010 U.S. Census and a per-capita ranking of the following categories: nightlife, lingerie stores, adult stores, adult entertainment, massage parlors, hotels and average summer temperature (because apparently, higher temps mean less clothes).  

One could argue that these categories fall under trashiness rather than sexiness and only highlight cities whose residents prefer to buy "adult experiences." I'm sorry, but I'm having a really hard time connecting sexiness with some trucker thumbing through a stack of pornos in the parking lot of an adult bookstore. 

But most importantly, these categories hardly make any sense at all. What does the number of hotels have to do with overall sexiness? Nothing. And, if you're one of those people that actually believe massage parlors equal happy endings, you've probably never had a real massage... and you're probably a colossal turd.

Though most of these categories are completely asinine, the worst determining factor on this list is the inclusion of temperature. TEMPERATURE. Because cooler cities lack good looking people, isn't that right Switzerland? Who cares that you're filled with a hefty percentage of Earth's models. You have nothing on the hot, sweaty, sexiness of Salt Lake City. Goddamnit, this study is terrible, but that doesn't stop people from writing up this crap as legitimate news

Anyway, here's Movoto justifying themselves:
Though it wasn't quite as foxy as Fort Lauderdale, Salt Lake City still ranked very highly across the board.

The second-place nightlife and third-place hotels assure that late-night fun is readily available. And the fourth-best adult stores and second-place lingerie stores make it easy to find some new entertaining merchandise when you want it.

But the real standout number, however, was in adult entertainment per capita, where Salt Lake City ranked No. 1. We’re sure the ladies over at Southern X-Posure would agree.

Why wasn’t SLC first overall? The weather here is considerably cooler, only ranking middle of the pack. Hey, maybe cold-weather gear is your thing? Whatever floats your boat.
For me, a sexy city has parking meters that work, public transportation that runs after 11 p.m. and air that doesn't taste like a diaper filled with Funyuns. Of course, everybody has their own kinks, so if sexiness means something different to whoever you ask, why even attempt this unscientific, god-awful study? *Leans in and whispers in your ear* "Because, babe, sexy, sexy clicks."

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