Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Glad You Asked: Merle Haggard, Natalie Cole & The Neighborhood

Posted By on June 24, 2014, 1:12 PM

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Dear GYA, Though I feel bad that Kate Kelly has been excommunicated from the Mormon church, I think this is an opportune time to explain why men are allowed to be priests and women aren't. For one, in order to deliver a sermon, a priest must summon his thoughts directly from his testicles. After that is completed, the sermon is delivered via a "holy explosion" through the tip of his penis. You see? That's why women can't be priests. Anything happening today as rock hard as a male Mormon priest? - Elder Jerry, Provo---

Elder, this clears everything up and you'd be an idiot to question this ancient process. Thanks Jerry. Here's what's happening today:

Country legend Merle Haggard will be at Kingsbury Hall this evening. The show starts at 7:30 p.m. Tickets start at $35.

R&B singer Natalie Cole (Nat King Cole's daughter) will be at Red Butte Garden tonight. Joy & Eric will open up. The show starts at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $47.

Rock band The Neighborhood will be on stage at the Great Saltair. Travi$ Scott is also performing. The show starts at 7 p.m. Tickets are $22. 

For today's complete list of things to do, click here.

Twitter: @WolfColin

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