I know it’s probably hard for you to focus at the moment. More than likely, you're staring at my sweet Power Glove in the picture on the right hand side, but that’s OK. I’m also a little distracted because I’m busy giving my 9-year-old self and his friends a barrage of high fives.---
I ended up with the this holy relic by means of pure destiny -- or more specifically, City Weekly Graphic Designer Manda Bull and her boyfriend wanted to get rid of some vintage video-game shit that was cluttering up their place. And so, a Power Glove ended up on my office desk last week.
In case you're wondering why any of this matters, for '80s babies like myself, the Nintendo Power Glove is one of the many pointless novelty items that our parents refused to buy us. It's a mythical glove, a glove that only the spoiled asshole kid at your elementary school had the means to own. Currently, they're not hard to come by, but owning a Power Glove now, as an adult, feels like some sort of retribution for your middle-class childhood -- it's like getting a pony.
Despite common belief, Nintendo actually had nothing to do with it. It was manufactured by Mattel (who, in 2015 should be coming out with these puppies) back in the futuristic year of 1989. But, Nintendo deemed the glove worthy of its gold-stamp endorsement and showcased the Power Glove in its shitty 90-minute commercial/movie The Wizard:
Anywho, Lucas isn't that cool. The actor, Jackey Vinson, is actually a convicted child molester.
It even made a brief appearance in a Freddy Kruger movie, for chrissake. But unfortunately, the Power Glove barely worked. It was clunky, gimmicky and extremely frustrating to use. If anything, it was better used as an oven mitt rather than a game controller (Which, if you’re interested you can buy Power Glove oven mitts). This angry nerd below does a pretty decent job explaining why the Power Glove was complete and utter garbage:
Naturally, history deemed it a commercial failure. But, there’s one reason these glove haters are absolutely wrong … it looks incredibly badass. For those of you who've never experienced the thrill of wearing one, once you strap down the Velcro straps of a Power Glove, you feel like Tony fucking Stark in a fan-fiction version of the Last Airbender. It's sooo bad. In fact, you often find yourself just wearing it for no reason. For example, I'm wearing it right now as I type this ... because I can.
It gets to the point where you want the Power Glove to be part of everyday, normal activities. Well, maybe not everyday activities, but even acid-dropping hippie artist Timothy Leary thought they were fresh as shit. What I'm getting at is, the Power Glove is now this weird, mystery treasure for self-loathing 30 year olds. To re-enforce this concept, Power Glove fanboys are making a documentary about why it's so damned sweet...
Really, there's no rational explanation for why this thing elicits fierce nerd-boners at a 16-bit velocity; it just does. I believe it has something to do with the fact that we always believed the Power Glove was more than a glove. It doesn't matter that the thing can't do what it's supposed to do, or that it hurts your wrist terribly to wear it. It's all about the myth, the legend and the possibilities that surround everything we know, or think we know, about the Power Glove. There's a mysterious aura surrounding the glove; for all we know, it could probably kill a man...
I honestly only wrote this blog so I could show you this video. Why it doesn't have at least a billion views is beyond me.
So, now what? Well, with great Power Glove comes great responsibility. Now that I own a Power Glove, I must respect it and only use it for appropriate situations like work, cosplay conventions and slowly reconstructing my virginity (with enough Photoshopped lasers, this might be possible).