Friday, September 28, 2012

Strictly Platonic: The Best Of SLC's Craigslist Vol.4

Posted By on September 28, 2012, 5:00 PM

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For the love of God, Salt Lake City, your Craigslist is good. I'm not sure if there's a legitimate reason for this, other than the inversion, but one thing is certain: This city's CL posts are always pure gold.--- Therefore, I occasionally scan the depths of CL (dodging as many penises as possible) until I find a few classic Internet nuggets worth sharing. So, without further hoopla, here's the best of SLC's Craigslist Vol.4:

Parasail, Harness and Rope $800 

Original post (sic for typos and brevity): Last time I was in it I hooked it up to my Jeep and got off the off the ground, when the rope slid across my bumper and it cut me loose. I was only about 30 (ft) in the air, hit the ground kinda hard got drug about 50 feet before stopping. I should have been filming. Got my mother up in it, loved it. I live at Lake Powell. I haven’t used it since they banned all flying toys on the lake. If you haven’t tried it you should.

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What this means: Let's recap.Guy buys a parasail. Hooks it up to his Jeep. Gets destroyed. Is pissed he didn't film it and against all reason, decides it’s a okay to put his mom up in the damned thing. Oh, please, Internet gods, I don’t ask for much, but don’t let this man sell his parasail. That way, maybe in a few weeks I’ll see him or his mom slamming face on YouTube.


Free Silly Putty

Original post: My grandfather has owned a silly putty factory and sadly, after over 20 years of business, we are closing its doors. We have over 100 pounds of silly putty that needs to go ASAP. Please take as much or as little as you’d like. I feel bad throwing it away.


What this means: It means that the 10-year-old version of yourself is spaz-dancing because there’s a palette of free Silly Putty just waiting to be scooped up. Who cares what you do with it? All I know is this is by far the best way to copy that giant stack of newspapers your grandpa’s been hoarding for 40 years. 


Mustang Lovers Dream 

Original post (sic for typos and brevity): This Mustang GT has been in many private photo shoots with swimsuits models and is affectionately called “The Babe Magnet.” Now it can be yours and driving it is like a dream! Pick up the phone and call me, because once this beautiful car is sold, you will be out of luck. I’m asking $5,000 for this dream car. No more joy rides please. Driving it is better than you’re your last 4 romantic encounters combined.

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What this means: I believe this guy is being honest when he says driving his Mustang is better than hooking up with his lady (pictured above) four times in a row. But, I’m not judging. Whatever revs your engine. More importantly, why does this photo make me tear up like an onion? 


Free Squirrel Monkey

Original post: Squirrel monkey ready to come home. Call us for more details.

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What this means: First of all, is that monkey wearing pants? I believe it is, and if this is the case I’ll take three. If there’s anything we've learned from being raised on TV, it’s that if a monkey is wearing pants, then 9 times out of 10 it's a helper monkey. I truly hope someone picks this little guy up. We don’t want him to end up like Mojo


Free Replica TIE Fighter

Original post (sic for typos and brevity): Have the coolest toy in your neighborhood. Approximately 1/3 scale TIE Fighter. 8x8x8 feet but breaks down into 5 pieces for easy transport. Laser cannons are set to fire standard party poppers. Tested to hold over 300 pounds. Cockpit is 38 inches by 38 inches. First one to call and come pick it up gets it. My name is Varter.

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What this means: Relax, it's a fake. This stupid thing has been floating around the Internet for a while now. It first appeared in Seattle’s CL back in March, and for some reason, it keeps popping up in different cities and now it's in Salt Lake City. It bums me out that trolls keep reposting/teasing us with this unattainable TIE Fighter. Oh hey, check it out -- it’s that free TIE Fighter I’ve always wanted. Nope.

Twitter: @WolfColin

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