A few weeks ago, I did a Best of Craigslist Volume 1, so it’s only fitting that there’s a sequel. As I've said before, I often peruse the Internet looking for crap to write about, and thusly, I collect a lot of these things you cannot unsee.---Unfortunately, I learned a hard lesson the last time, and that is, the really weird shit on Craigslist doesn’t stay up that long -- it either gets flagged for removal or it’s quickly taken down by the author. So, my promise to you, the reader, is this: I will find these Craigslist gems and I will deliver them to you as fast as possible. This is my mission. This is my quest. Without further ado, I give you the best of SLC’s Craigslist, vol. 2:
Actual Description From Post: 2 couches. Price=High Five. Shoot me a call______. Need to get rid of them in the next few days or [I’ll] take them to the gun range and blow this shit up.
What this means: Let this play while you read the following. The Secret Handshake presents: Real Men of Genius. Real Men of Genius. Today, we salute you, Mr. buy-my-couch-for-a-high-five-or-else-I'll-blow-it-up guy. Mr. buy-my-couch-for-a-high-five-or-else-I'll-blow-it-up guy! They say furniture is supposed to be expensive, but you sell your couches for the low, low price of a high five. Shop around, mother f*cker! And even if you don't get rid those couches, we know that that you'll do what you're supposed to do. Rest in peace, shitty couch! So here's to you, oh sultan of sofas, because we all know those couches probably won't get picked up, but we also know you're going to have a kick-ass weekend.
Actual Description From Post: Hey, I’m lookin' for some heady people to go to Desert Rocks with. Never been to a festi before, but am way stoked and super mellow and down to ride with whoever. Can bring a tent and other gear. I have stuff to share and gas money.
What this means: I would never ride in a car with anyone who uses the word "heady." In fact, if I were stuck in a car with a "heady guy," I would probably vacate the vehicle. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “heady” is a frequently used adjective reserved for hippies to describe anything that is remotely awesome or cool. For example, “Brah, Trey Anastasio is sooo heady.” That being said, "heady guys" think everything is heady: heady weed, heady sandals, heady sub-prime mortgages. To hell with 'em. I think Ron Swanson may have summed up "heads" perfectly.
Actual Description From Post: Here’s kind [of] a Bucket List item for me… I’d like to try hiking nude. Not weird or freaky at all -- If you’ve hiked around Utah nude before, let me know which trails you’ve hiked, safety issues, local law ordinances, etc., that I need to be aware of. This is NOT an outdoor sexual orgy thing … it’s just getting out with like-minded people that want to have an experience in nature in the buff.
What this means: I'd rather run into a bear with chainsaw hands than a group of naked hikers. But, obviously, this is just a guy who wants to enjoy nature the way it’s meant to be enjoyed, with his plums exposed to the elements. Honestly, we should be thankful that he had the balls to post this. If anything, it’s more of a public-service announcement than an advertisement. Thanks to Bare Grylls here, we now know not to hike anywhere in Utah for the remainder of the summer because of a high risk of exposed man ass.
Actual Description From Post: Looking for someone who needs or wants to go to LA and who wouldn’t if you live in SLC! lol anyway we will be going in my truck. I will be riding in my truck, actually you will be driving my truck and I will be riding prolly 200-3,000 miles then need a break, so if u ride great, if not it goes up ramp to tiedowwns,,,we can make some stops parks or vegas and I’ll drop u wherever u want in LA.
What this means: Yeah, let's pile into someone's truck who think it's 3,000 miles to LA and really wants you to "ride good." This post starts out as a simple ride-share opportunity, but then takes a dark and twisted turn when the author says “so if u ride great, if not it goes up ramp to tiedowwns.” Nonsensical gibberish aside, not only does the author lob a grammar grenade, but I think he's saying that he'll tie you to his damned roof … shit, I know who wrote this.
Actual Description from Post: Ceramic Marionette Clown, Brand-new. 24” detailed, hand-painted, fired ceramic head and hands & feet with wood body. Marionette operating device with strong strings. $50. Excellent price. E-mail or Call_____.
What this means: Hello there, I'm calling about the evil clown puppet. Oh, it's still available? Perfect. I can't wait to own a murder clown that will hang from my door, wait till I fall asleep and strangle me in my nightmares. You don’t sell something like this, you go total protonic reversal and cross the fucking streams. Maybe I'm exaggerating; I mean, what could possibly go wrong?