Friday, May 4, 2012

The Tampon Tizzy

Posted By on May 4, 2012, 3:14 PM

In Utah, we are terse about tampons. Most women of childbearing age, of course, need and use tampons on a monthly basis, but the box is kept discreetly under the bathroom sink. End of discussion. ---I mean, is the word "tampon" even allowed in sex-education courses at high schools? Because, you know, tampons have to do with women riding the crimson wave and all that unsettling stuff. And now, "tampon" is being bandied about on national TV news and even on Huffington Post, for Pete's sake: Local woman buys tampons.

The real story is what Cindy Davidson found inside her 16-count of Boots tampons purchased at salvage and freight recovery store NPS for $1.99. Lo and behold, there were a couple of baggies of tightly wrapped white powder in two cardboard applicators of what should have been filled with super-absorbancy tampons.

Had it been the '70s or the '80s, she might had been tempted to gently smell and taste the powder to see what it was. And had she done so, and recognized the stash for what it was, she might have viewed her discovery as a form of rebate for all the months she and the rest of modern womankind have worked to make tampon companies profitable.

But in our current "suspicious, white powder" world, she wisely called the cops, fearing it could have some terrorist implications. Following a visit by the local Hazmat team, she and the rest of the world learned the white powder was a drug that might have made that uncomfortable "time of the month" just a little more bearable.

Thus, in Utah, we, as a state, are squirming with just a little cringe of embarrassment:

1. That the woman bought tampons at a salvage and freight recovery store (though I can appreciate her love of $1.99 a box, since brands like Tampax have been sticking it to American women each month for something like $4 a box). Many of us like to pretend we pay top dollar at a very clean, top-of-the-line Walgreens ... nothing but the best for our vajayjays.

2. That the woman didn't buy local, not even "made in the USA." These tampons come from England. How can it possibly be cheaper to ship tampons to Utah from another First World country, one that offers its citizens socialized medicine?

3. They're called "Boots" -- who wants to put "boots" up there?

4. That, earlier this year, City Weekly awarded NPS a Best of Utah award for "Best Hoarder Hangout." In our blurb, we wrote, "If you love to shop as much as you love low prices, your inner hoarder will be rewarded." We obviously weren't lying but it's a tad embarrassing, all the same.

5. About NPS, The Salt Lake Tribune's One Cheap Chick, Lesley Mitchell, wrote (just yesterday, in fact),"The 'salvage and freight recovery' company pretty much offers everything you can imagine at super-low prices. You'll never know what you'll find at NPS!" True, but an oddly timed story.

6. That, possibly due to Utah's association with Dugway Proving Ground -- the military chemical-warfare plant out west of Salt Lake City -- Utahns are more apt to suspect a white powder is anthrax than cocaine.

Yes, Utah has another "news of the weird"-type story to share with the world. We'll muddle through. However, somewhere else, another individual may not be so lucky. A cocaine dealer is likely ready to give someone the boot for screwing up what was thought to be an ingenious delivery system.

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Jerre Wroble

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