Thursday, March 8, 2012

Think Outside The Bun: The Secrets of Taco Bell vs. KFC

Posted By on March 8, 2012, 12:00 PM

First, you order a Gordita Supreme from Taco Bell. Next, you drive all the way across town to get some KFC popcorn chicken. And finally, you haul ass to get a Pizza Hut P’zone; open it up and cram all the ingredients inside.--- I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say that obtaining a “Pop’zonita” (or any fast-food mash-up for that matter) can be a huge pain in the ass …

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Luckily, the scientists over at Yum! Brand agree, and have created a nationwide army of franchises wielding the power of chicken, tacos and pizza, often nicknamed “Kentacohuts,” or in some states "The Tri-Force."

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If you came here to comment about how these places are bad for your health, then click here.

Now before you do one of these, you need to know that SLC no longer has a fast-food fortress of solitude. Well, we do … sort of. You see, awhile back the ‘Hut got the fuck outta here and now what’s left is a KFC/Taco Bell. So, if you’re just finding this out, I’m terribly sorry. However on the bright side we still have plenty of fast-food combos to explore.

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In an effort to discover what our local Kentacobell has to offer, I headed over to the West Valley City location. The mission: Push its vast menu of chicken and tacos to the limit. I consulted a team of experts and we came up with our top 5 off-the-menu Kentacobell combos. Ok, here we go …

5. Crispy Legs on the Cob

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Price: $4.57

Tastes Like: Satan’s butthole

Ingredients: Start with a bean burrito. Open it up and place two crispy chicken legs on either end. Roll it back up.

Comments: This thing is a big, intimidating monster. It’s awful, it’s pricey and it falls apart at first bite. Worst of all, it looks like it belongs in a sequel to the Human Centipede. If someone suggests that you eat one of these … just back away … very slowly.

4. Gravy Nachos

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Price: $.99

Tastes Like: Michael Bay

Ingredients: Start with Taco Bell nachos and smother 'em with KFC Gravy.

Comments: By themselves, these two items are the mainstays of both franchises, so logically they should be pretty decent together. I love KFC gravy, but smothered over nachos this bag of ass tastes like Band-Aids. This was a huge mistake.

3. Steak Nacho Cheese Chalupa Bowl

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Price: $6.78

Tastes Like: Meh

Ingredients: Start with a KFC Mashed Potato Bowl. Hold the bite-size crispy chicken (that typically comes with it) and mix in an entire steak nacho cheese Chalupa.

Comments: I wasn’t sure if this was going to be any good. But after my first bite, I had to give it a reluctant thumbs up. The well-established synergy of mashed potatoes and cheesy steak is a classic tale of tasty. Choosey fast food eaters should give this one a try.

2. Double Decker N’ Cheese Taco

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Price: $1.99

Tastes Like: Gooooooaaalll!

Ingredients: Start with a Double Decker Taco. Hold the bean layer that usually goes between the hard shell and the tortilla and replace with a side of macaroni and cheese.

Comments: Holy shit! If Colonel Sanders ever fucked a taco, this would be the result. At first bite, I closed my eyes and raised my fist in a display of complete satisfaction. It’s cheap, it’s delicious -- dip it in bronze and hang it on your Christmas tree.

1. Crispy Skin Taco

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Price: $1.29

Tastes Like: Michael fucking Jordan

Ingredients: Start by shucking all of the delicious crispy skin from a chicken wing. Then supplement chicken skin for meat in a crunchy taco. Dab on some KFC gravy for extra zip.

Comments: Don't front, everyone knows KFC chicken skin is the bomb. So essentially, you’re eating the best part of KFC wrapped in a taco. The flavor is incredibly awesome. All in all, this tasty, light and savory snack would give Paula Deen a boner.

Twitter: @WolfColin

Colin Wolf is also the author of City Weekly’s daily blog Glad You Asked.

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