Monday, February 8, 2010

10 Things I Hate About YouPorn

Posted By on February 8, 2010, 9:47 AM

YouPorn is fun. It has democratized Internet porn by making it free and easily accessible to the people. For that, I applaud you, YouPorn. ---

Having said that, there is still some room for improvement.

So, here are 10 Things I Hate About YouPorn:

1. Excessive Moaning: Seriously, shut the hell up! Why is it that when you put a camera on a naked girl she gets all loud and obnoxious. Honey, the dude ain't even touched you yet. Seriously, stop it!

2. Crappy Music: Let's face it, porn is notorious for featuring craptastic beats to match the bouncing butts. Whatever happened to that old saying, "First, do no harm." When it comes to music, when in doubt, leave it out.

3. Shaky Camera Work: Just because the video guy gets bored seeing the sex from a single angle, doesn't mean we, the viewers, want to watch the same position flipped and flopped from hell to breakfast. It's jarring to the senses. Stop it!

4. Repetitive Moaning: Girls, girls, we get the fact that you're excited. Really, we do. But if you keep repeating the same exact sound every other second for a solid four minutes, we begin to think there's something wrong with you. And we really don't want to watch Sex With Tourette's Sufferers. That's just sick and wrong.

5. Mislabeled Content: If the video is titled "Wally Waxes Jingle-Jingle Ass," we expect to see some kind of a spectacular, award-winning ass being waxed. So many times the title oversells while the footage underperforms. Blech!

6. Unattractive Male Performers: Just when we thought the Ron Jeremy era was safely behind us, along comes YouPorn. It regularly features videos with butt-ugly dudes banging big-breasted blondes. How is that fair? It's maddening. Stop it!

7. Blow-Job-Only Sex Scenes: Blow jobs are so blase. Seriously. If you need to show a brief blow job to break up an intense orgy, I guess we can forgive you. But to create entire video clips around blow jobs farts in the face of decency. Knock it off.

8. Toy-Only Sex Scenes: The only thing worse than blow-job-only porn is a sex scene involving a girl playing with a dildo or vibrator or butt ring or any other ridiculous trinket. This is NOT that hot. Never was. Thank you for stopping this!

9. Male Moaning: Holy balls, Batman! Do we really care if the guy is having a good time? No, no we don't. Doesn't matter. Guys, stop making stupid sounds. They're stupid.

10. Fake MILFs: We really do know a MILF when we see one. They aren't that hard to spot. So, please, YouPorn, stop lying to us about MILFs. If I click one more MILF video with no actual MILF in it, I'm gonna ... I'm gonna ... Why, I'll ...

Cue the excessive moaning.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also want to read 10 Sex Scenes That Shock and Awe.

Do you hate the same things about YouPorn that I do? Or do you have your own reasons. Leave yours in the comments. Please no pictures of butt rings.

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