Friday, January 29, 2010

These Pants Are Chaffetz-ing Me

Posted By on January 29, 2010, 1:20 PM

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Hey gang, I know this is a tad out of character for me, but I'm gonna do something on politics for a moment. Hey Stephen, I gotta borrow your desk for a bit. Don't worry, I'll leave the quarters in the drawer, right were you left them. ---

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For those of you who haven't been keeping up, and I wouldn't blame you since its happening in Washington D.C., Jason Chaffetz is introducing a bill to repeal DC's recent gay marriage law. The representative has admitted to the press that the bill will probably be shot down by the Democrats before it even has a chance to be heard or voted upon, but is declaring that this will be one of many “pronged attacks” and that the bill is more symbolic than real. Over the course of the past year I've seen a lot of Chaffetz, mostly unexpected because considering the topics he chooses to get himself involved in, you kinda end up asking yourself, “why is he here right now?” I've read in a few other publications that say Jason is actually a really big media... what's another word for “whore” that sounds more professional? ...Harlot! Anyway, because of the circumstance at hand and how everyone is so gung ho about giving politicians a one-year critique, I figured I should save myself 44 cents and write the representative here.
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Hey Jason, I'm not trying to speak to you as a liberal to a conservative, or a native Utahn to an acquired one, or even as a jackass writer to a rookie paper-pusher. Let's stick to it more as a Utah citizen to a Utah representative. ...Being in media for so long I've learned the old Poe axiom of “Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.” Whatever your motives are behind the curtain for the push against gay marriage in DC, I know you're going to stick to them and ignore what I have to say, so I'm not going to waste time debating that particular topic with you... today at least. But when you got elected... you weren't picked to go film your own reality TV series by candlelight from a cot in your office, as if you were on an episode of “Survivor: DC”. And with all due respect, I get the feeling you'd be having your torch put out by now, because Matheson or Bishop would have sold you out after losing the Health-Care immunity challenge in November. You were chose to represent Utah's third district, not Washington D.C. There's a reason DC has none of their own, and this is why. This kind of behavior makes people in your district wonder why you were voted in at all, and causes people to resent government for having so many representatives who get paid to screw up. Admitting your bill is dead before it even hits the floor makes our state as a whole look ridiculous at best and an unnecessary voice at worst because you wasted your time and the money we pay your salary with... for nothing.
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Do you think sometime in between leg wrestling Stephen Colbert, calling global warming a joke and recommending homophobic beauty queens with low IQ's to political status, you could take a moment to think of a good idea that benefits OUR state as a whole and not just your vested interests? If not, maybe it was a good idea for you to take the cot with you, because then it won't be so hard to pack up and leave in three years. Just think about it for a second, and in the meantime, here's some reading material to get you through the night... your father's book. Thanks for your time, J!

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